What goes up...

Over months I have been tentatively scaling the monstrosity that obscures my blue skies to see beyond. Every step takes my closer to the summit and I have learned to just take it easily and slowly as rushing up the mountain in a blind fury only leads to a quicker descent. But over the past 4 or 5 days I have been struggling for purchase and my footing has been slipping from under me. Experience should alert me to stop and dig in for a while but instinct is the greater force fed by a sense of urgency to push on. As I have scrambled upwards it has been an ever increasingly difficult battle which has found little increases tempered by more slippery surfaces. Its been an accumulation of downward force which I has sapped the last remaining energy to fight against it and now I cling tightly to my position hoping it will soon pass. For now I am going nowhere, exhausted and holding on for dear life.

We people who are effected by the extremities of anxiety come to know this as the aftereffects of pushing the boundaries. We push while we fight until we are physically drained and sometimes well beyond that. In my case I can't say for sure what caused this current slump but know of a few factors. The recent visit of my wife's friend left its mark. Nearly 24 hours on a high state of alert as my inner sentry fended off each new wave of self doubt as it appeared left me physically tired. This state of tiredness brings its own cycle of anxiety and, for me anyway, agitation. That was the time take a breather but instead I kept pushing while knowing it wasn't the right time. I didn't walk as much as I had been doing but still more than I should have as I didn't have the energy so should have recharged rather than kept going.

The letter through the post from medical services on Saturday morning was another factor. It shouldn't be but I get a real mix of emotions every time I go through this process and know it is the price I must pay for not being self sufficient. But it is a farce. They have requested that I call within two day of receiving the letter to arrange a medical (in Glasgow). Not that I can go but must go through with the pantomime. I'll call and tell them I can't go. They'll say that's not their problem and send me an appointment anyway which I won't attend and then the DWP will mail me with a form I have already filled threatening to stop my support. If I could go to Glasgow for a medical I could work and how I wish that was the case so I didn't have to deal with these people. I have tried to think of an alternative way to become self sufficient but just can't see any. I don't have a particular skill set to work on. And on top of that since yesterday I have phoned 7 times to get an engaged tone each time. I won't phone again.



Yesterday I was starting to feel the tiredness more and realised it is accumulating but despite this I went out for two walks which didn't help. Its a strange state. You feel too tired to move but at the same time you are too agitated to sit still so you inevitably flit in between. Afterwards my wife suggested we go for a drive. It was quite staggering by my standards. Given that 7 miles during day time was the most we'd done, nearly 30 miles at night, we clocked up an amazing 40 miles driving on Motorways and as far East and West as I've been. At times it was hard. One stupid recurring thought was 'What if we breakdown?' which I had to fight against.

In some perverse way I enjoyed it though. It was a real two fingers to anxiety even though I knew I would pay the price after. And I did because after coming home I felt awful for the rest of the night and could hardly get out of bed this morning. Isn't it amazing that little silly thoughts can have such a physical effect? But still worthwhile. The highlight was stopping at a bridge which connects Bothwell with Blantyre. I'd made it down to the Blantyre side once a few weeks ago but this time we came in via Bothwell. While my wife watched the sleeping boy in the car I took the girls across the bridge to watch the rushing water below and then down near the bank through a woodland of large trees to see the river closer. But I did panic, those bloody thoughts again! Still we were out about 15 minutes and they enjoyed it and despite the panic so did I.

Today though has been hard. I had to get the two youngest dressed, breakfast, washed and walked over to the creche this morning. Usually its OK but I felt so crap I struggled and when I came back started to worry about picking them up again because I was feeling in decline. And it was hard picking them up. I felt lightheaded, shaky and all the other things you associate with exhaustion. When I arrived I had to wait for nearly 5 minutes and the panic began to build to the point I thought I was going to be physically sick. That was 2 hours ago and since then I have perked up a bit and even taken the kids out for a walk. Maybe the lack of sleep has added to it too as I don't get much. The storm will pass though and after I have weathered it I can again continue my ascent.

A couple of photos from the other day which was one big positive over the past few days as well as the drive:


The David Livingstone Memorial bridge which connects Bothwell and Blanytre over the river Clyde. Seen from the Bothwell side.


A view from the bridge. On the right is where we walked down for a stroll.


One of the many woodland paths that run alongside Clyde. Very scenic if a bit smelly.


Hidden behind the clambering branches is the bridge from the down on the bank. Hard to get a clear shot without going for a swim and as well as being cold the smell was not alluring.

The visit

CJ, my wife's best friend has been and long gone. I'm glad to report the fleas never reared their head but they have since been spotted. It went OK. In fact in meant much the same as last time. There was the initial 20-30 minutes high anxiety to get through on arrival then after that it came in waves. Then the following day again around lunchtime I was hit by sheer panic which was very hard to control, not enjoyable but as I had nowhere to run to had to just put up with.

So while the women went off to Glasgow on the back of a few glasses of white wine to see Will Young at the Armadillo I stayed at home with the 3 kids and a couple of glasses of Rose wine. It was I have to say very nice. The kids were well behaved and enjoyable to look after for a change. The TV was off so I just relaxed.

The following day in the kitchen CJ asked if I'd had a good sleep. No was my reply. Lying on a half blown up mattress feeling every bone in my body grind with every turn only protected by the cold with the cog equivalent of a giant tissue paper did not make for a good sleep. I thought the quilt belonged to us but in fact it was her daughter's summer quilt. No wonder I was bloody freezing while the ladies slept in warmth in the bedroom.

But all good. Though my walks have taken a knock since and I've been feeling a bit rundown. This happened last time too. I guess the tension from a period of constant anxiety is sapping. This is also what happens any time you push yourself. You don't become anxiety free but instead cope with it for a longer spell but your body is still straining all that time. Over time you notice these things and it helps because not knowing is very confusing and frustrating.

The good thing is that I didn't dread this visit like I did last year and when it was over I wasn't wishing the next to be a long way off. It seems we learn all the time. And as off as I feel after it these sensations no longer hold me back. Its been 4 months since a day passed without me going out. Even though I've struggled over the last few days I have still gone out at least once and kept up my walking total for the week of 12km. Even tonight when my wife had to nip around to ASDA the easiest thing for me to do would have been to watch the kids while she went but instead I volunteered to go to and we went as a family.

You see when I can I want to push myself out. Tonight was a little different because usually I have got to be in the right frame of mind. Recently I've been reading in Alice's blog how she hurt her neck putting on a coat in the car. This morning during a coughing fit I pulled a muscle in my neck and its bloody painful. Not only on the right hand side of my neck but the shoulder and pain in the upper right arm. So not the way I would usually go out but I went and I didn't enjoy it one iota. In fact at one stage I started to sweat and go dizzy standing in the queue. Not anxiety but just from the pain. But I did it and to be honest I don't know why because it proved nothing and was of no benefit to anyone. But there was one good thing. On the way home in the car in the dark the Christmas lights in the town were on and the kids enjoyed looking at them in awe. That was good enough to hear their joy, I couldn't turn around, but also my wife remarked that I wouldn't have seen the lights last year. That is true. Not the year before that or the year before that. Some things have changed and have become so commonplace that I have forgotten how hard they once were.

Forced out

My wife already suffers from an inferiority complex of sorts when her friend comes to stay- about once a year. Not that her friend is the type to look down and she knows that but pride has her scrubbing her little flat top to bottom until it sparkles so that when her friend comes from her big house out in the sticks with its multiple rooms and own burn she won't feel so bad. It also must be said that my wife is ultr-hygienic verging on the point of OCD when it comes to cleanliness. That is why I can count on two hands the number of nights the children have not been bathed. It is an overkill and even on those missed nights they were under special circumstances. Tomorrow her friend arrives and the home is infested with fleas. You can imagine her horror. Lets face it regardless of social standing who wants to invite a guest to a house of fleas.



Oh yes, when a young girl woman sat in my living room thanking the wife for taking her cat into our home and watching three young children run about her she neglected to say we were taking on a lot more. After she left we should have noticed that the flea collar and the flea spray that came with his handkerchief on a stick was a good indication. It was only a few days later when my wife noticed all the little blighters while combing him that we finally realised. The pet shop sold her something called 'Frontline' which was hidden in a cabinet like the crown jewels but couldn't be applied for 4 weeks because in between my wife had tried two lots of other sprays without success. So finally when this was applied it did exactly what it said it would and the cat has been flea free since but he's the only thing in the vicinity which is. More spays purchased, lots of hoovering and washing and still they remain. To say I am fuming would not even come close. I bite my lip because whenever I open my mouth it just makes my wife feel guilty. All in all to date we've spent over £100 which could have been put to better use at this time of year.



Yesterday morning I forced myself out in the car with wife driving and boy in the back. Another mission to cleanse the house before we call for an exorcism. I've never been in Hamilton during the day for a long time so it was special milestone for me. While my wife "popped in" to get what she required I followed with the boy. We looked at the fish in the rows of tanks and then had a little peer down at the rabbits as time ticked on. Finally a little agitated I went to find my wife and discovered her in deep conversation with a young shop assistant who obviously knew as much about pest control as I did. Still my wife bought it and we came away with two bombs. More expense and I presumed more futility.



Bombs was about the right description though they were like some kind of firework. We were supposed to vacate the house for 2 hours but there was no way I could manage that amount of time so half an hour would have to do. My wife lit the bombs and as I walked out the door with the boy I had a look back to see funnels of dark grey smoke rising from these things on the floor beginning to fill the air. Thoughts of coming home to blackened home filled my mind as we went to pick up my daughter from nursery. We picked the youngest girl up, got some fuel and then headed out for lunch at McDonalds drive through- a novelty that my daughter enjoyed and my older daughter cursed her for later having missed out.



My wife suggested we eat our food beside Strathclyde Loch to kill some time. I had already killed more than enough time and as hungry as I was knew that if I was to get more anxious I wouldn't be able to eat but I thought I would at least give it a try. Like all of that morning had been it was very uncomfortable. At times I wanted to run and at other times I was fine. We were there for the best part of an hour. I got out for 10 minutes after eating taking photos of swans, geese, birds and anything else I could find. Oh and the water of course but no touching this time as I was frozen. Then the rest of them joined me and we walked about for a bit. It was good.



We decided to go back home through Hamilton again. Having not been there in the city centre during daylight for over 3 years I was going through for a second time that day. We even passed the job centre above where I have been dreading going. Looking at it I still don't fancy it much. Its a bit of a walk, for me, to it from the car and then my the looks of things quite big and imposing inside. Its years since I have been in a job centre. The last I remember of them they were all open plan. Incidentally when I first claimed the job centre was 5 minutes walk away and shortly after I had my big panic attack they closed it down so all about me must travel in to here instead.



Before heading home we went to a cemetery. I go on a site where there is a monthly competition to win a new camera and this months theme is "remember remember". Originally I had ideas of brilliant fireworks and illuminated big wheels and all sorts of eye candy but as I stated in a previous post Firework night didn't turn out like that. Instead I had to go for sparklers with the girls. One of the images had my oldest daughter looking a bit manic so I spruced that up a bit but couldn't get it to work right. I hate low light. So I needed an alternative.



Instead I decided to use remembrance day. I knew there was a local memorial commemorating all of the people who died in the first war and had located it to a cemetery so to kill more time we went there. The memorial is quite magnificent and there were of course a lot of poppy wreaths placed at its foot. The only problem was the lack of sky which was instead just a grey nothingness. By this time the boy had fallen asleep so while my wife watched him I took my daughter for a walk around the headstones. A bit morbid I know but I find them to be beautiful when they are well kept and very peaceful



When we got back indoors the mist was thick. I was choking as I went around the home opening the windows. Two hours of bombs had certainly stolen the breath from our home. Even with the windows open it was so bad that I decided to take the kids out for a walk. The boy was less than impressed with his new hat and refused to move for most the walk but I didn't let it anger me as I usually do. In fact I was quite calm. In all I'd been out for 45 minutes in the morning and then 2 hours shortly after. We'd covered nearly 25 miles which is close to the best we have done at night and to be honest I could have stayed out much longer. Even the walk was fine and again I could have walked more. It was a very good day- the best in fact for a long time. And all because I was forced out the door my little parasites and there may be more to come as they are still not gone. Even as I type my wife has just come in from work and is on her hands and knees inspecting things, tutting and squashing while I start to itch. We now have a vet approved spray to try named RIP. More money and the last resort.

Frost and long shadows

Winter blew its first cold kiss yesterday turning all that was green, red, yellow and brown into white that sparkled from the rays of the white sun in the cloudless sky. Its beautiful to walk among the long cast shadows on quiet strolls seeing the breath of the living escape in conversations. The only sound above the background murmur of every day people going about their lives is that of the chattering teeth of those who stand in frozen shadows waiting for buses or friends or maybe even the return of summer. The poor little Tigger in the main pic never saw it coming any more than I did. I found him abandoned this morning lost to exposure in a play park. He should be bounding about on his tail but instead he is face down in the dirt, metaphors all around.

Despite hating the cold I love walking in it wrapped up. Yesterday I couldn't move my hands they were so cold and my head was freezing, last week my wife shaved all my hair off as she tends to do when the mood takes her, but today I had my hat and gloves so was cosy. My wife went out last night and got the kids all the stuff they need to be warm out too so the girls at least are enjoying the longish saunters. The boy tends to be left at home. He's going through a stage at the moment where he either remains rooted to the spot or runs off in the opposite direction meaning for the most part I have to carry him under my arm kicking and screaming which I can't be doing with- though I don't enjoy hearing him crying and battering the door as we leave him behind either. No, having to keep an eye on one small girl with no road sense and a larger girl who runs off into the distance unresponsive to my calls is enough to occupy me whileI also try to take some photographs along the way.

And also with me I take along the troubled thoughts of an anxious mind. There hasn't been too many incidents of late to get anxious about but incidents alone are not always the cause. Sometimes it just happens. I have little to be anxious about except life itself. Not real problems. My wife's friend arrives on Thursday. About 5 years ago she lost her son the week before he was due to be born. That's a real problem. My dad phoned today fretting because for the last 5 days he has been out of work and as he is self employed he has no money coming in at all. That's a real problem. So many people in the world with bigger problems than my own be it financial, health or something else yet they cope better.

I'm getting a little annoyed again with the absurdity of a constant demon that I just can't shake. Frustrations are making me attack myself. This wait outside the nursery repeats itself. Today I was at the nursery, as a passenger, without thinking about it. In conversation with my wife I was thinking about where we might go once we'd picked my daughter up and suddenly I felt the full weight of the wait. My wife hadn't got out the car as she can see a door that I cannot and only when it opens is it time to get out and collect. This is where I usually panic, I tell myself. I always tell myself that and inevitably I always do panic. So simple yet I cannot stop it. When I do it I know its started and so I fight but its not an enjoyable experience. My wife was trying to point out this door I could not see but I wasn't listening and became very short with her which she rightly took offence to. The camera was out in my hand and I was flicking through photos that were just a blur. Every time we leave later so as not to have this wait and every time the kids are let out later and later. Today it was nearly 15 minutes late. I cursed the teachers. I cursed them over and over for keeping me waiting out in the car in torment.

Pure blind panic is hard to explain. Rationality doesn't matter. All I have to do is wait. I could wait outside my house so why does it really matter where the car is? There was nothing threatening other than the fact I had to stay in one place at someone else's discretion. And when I finally admit to my wife later she will ask why I didn't just tell her. I can't. In that moment it is the last thing I want to talk about as that would involve thinking about it- besides I need all my attention on virtual escapism. I don't want to talk about it after it has passed as there is a good chance it will return. And about the passing. It hasn't really passed. I've just mentally ran away from it and while I'm still in the situation I feel no better and were my wife to ask me to get out of the car I could not because I was rigid with tension and just wanting to get the hell home. I don't feel like I am going to die and don't feel like something bad is going to happen so it is very hard to describe why I cannot stand this sensation so much. This has now happened 4 or 5 times and will keep happening the more I go to nursery so repetition is not helping. What can I learn from it? I can see the process, I can see it is me tripping the switch but I cannot stop myself doing it. Most frustrating.

Anyway these are the kind of reflections I have while out walking with the girls. And it is these reflections that push the walks further as they strengthen my resolve to be out and about more. Tonight my younger daughter and I walked over a mile and would have walked more had she not needed to go home to the toilet. I felt at ease wrapped up from the cold and the air felt so pure that I wanted to keep walking and breathing it in. Its also more peaceful at this time of year sometimes. I think these walks, which don't always go as well as tonight, are my balance. They are what keep me sane and when they are good they are very good. And maybe on one of these walks with that mind constantly processing the same data over and over a different perspective will appear one day when I least expect it. Its a simple process and somehwere there must be a simple way of breaking it.