Bringing compassion to your anxiety

Chapter 15: Bringing compassion to your anxiety

OVERVIEW

Chapter 15 of 19 being with a quote from Zen Buddhish Monk Nhat Hanh:

Though we all have the seeds of fear within us, we must learn not to water those seeds and instead nourish our positive qualities- those of compassion, understanding and loving-kindness.

This chapter is about just that. It covers acting with kindness towards emotional hurt and letting go of past negative emotion. It does this mostly in a series of five exercises- two of which are audio.

It starts by using an idea presented by the Dalai Lama. That is to develop and cultivate your capacity for loving-kindness, in this case towards anxiety, as a mother would toward a child. The first of these exercises is to stop looking upon anxiety as a monster and instead see it as a child. Take the role of parent and instead of scolding the child as we tend to do with anxiety be compassionate towards it. Research has shown that a kinder approach to parenting is highly effective in how the child responds. So instead of becoming the angry, frustrated and tired parent forever berating the anxiety child we should instead employ a softer but firm approach.

There is then a small section on being kind to yourself and giving yourself lots of tender loving care. We should ensure that we provide ourselves with one action throughout the day which is just for us for no other reason than "just because". It then moves on to the second exercise which is a meditation about imagining a halo of kindness sweeping over you. As you do so you should recite a few mantras like "May I meet my experience with kindness". We are then to imagine someone who is hurting. It may be family, friend or even just someone on TV or someone we have heard about. Imagining them in the room we should open our heart and comfort them.

The chapter then goes on to talk about emotional open wounds. If these were physical then we would tend to them so there is no reason why we should leave the emotional ones to fester. These need attention and should be dealt with as they otherwise keep us stuck. And that hurt can be recycled many times as we pass it on to others. One suggested exercise is taken from Nhat Hanh. This is the third exercise and it involves remembering when we had a fever when we were young and always wanted our mother. She would always make things better just by putting a hand on our forehead. We are to imagine this and touch our forehead with our own hand in this short exercise.

'Dropping the storyline' is an idea by Pema Chödrön which the authors bring to the fore here. By this it is meant removing the words and dealing directly with the discomfort. To do this a fourth exercise is required and its another audio led meditation. It is named Tonglen. In this we move out of misery and into vitality by acknowledging that we are not going through this alone and that people around the world experience this too and have done since the dawn of man. It involves breathing in the bad while embracing it and then breathing out the good, ie expending goodwill to all.

Our last teaching on kindness comes in the form of forgiveness. It is the belief of the authors that by becoming more forgiving people are healthier for it- physically, mentally and spiritually. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting or ignoring but instead not carrying the negative emotional attachment with you. It is letting go of the hurt by forgiving. This leads to the last exercise which we are told is in 4 steps:

1. Awareness- Waking up to hurt and pain as it is, without judgement or denial.
2. Separation- Softening using your Wise Mind while inviting healing and change.
3. Compassionate witness- Extending compassion to your experience and others.
4. Letting go and moving on- Releasing grudges and resentment that fan the flames of your suffering, and then moving forward in your life in directions you want to go.

The last exercise is about learning to forgive. This involves remembering a past event which still holds a strong negative pull and remembering it. While facing it we then see it for what it is and understand that we have the choice to let it go. And this is what we are taught to do in this exercise using some visualisation techniques.

THE TAKE HOME MESSAGE

Although WAFs feel like monsters, they're more like kid. Like most kids, they respond better to tender loving care than to reprimands, rebukes, or harsh punishment. You can learn to bring more compassion to your worries, anxieties, and fears by practicing acceptance of your thoughts and feelings instead of trying to get rid of them. And you can practice kindness to yourself and others. Do this every day. Even small acts of kindness matter. Over time and with regular practice, compassion and kindness will become a habit. And they'll take the sting out of anxiety, panic, fear, and worry. This will make it easier for you on the road to your Value Mountain without being steered off course.

EXERCISES

1. Acceptance of Anxiety: This is an audio led exercise to be practiced daily. Record date, time, duration, commitment and comments on the form provided.


2. Practice being a mindful observer: Become the chessboard as often as possible in everyday activities to practice taken the observer stance.


3. Take stock of what you may have given up this week for anxiety.


4. Starting today and for the next seven days, do something kind for yourself every day- however small that something may be.


5. In addition be kind to your WAFs by practicing acceptance and compassion towards your feelings, thoughts, memories, and hurts. You can do this practicing one of the Loving-Kindness exercises (from this chapter) every day.


6. Nurture your capacity for forgiveness too- let go of resentment and regret associated with past wrongs committed by you and others.

NOTES

I feel overwhelmed by this chapter. Thinking back I think this is where I stopped last time. It feels a bit like the flood gates have opened and the authors are trying to stuff as much information and exercises in to your head as possible. And it does feel overwhelming.

What I don't like about this chapter is that it assumes too much. A section I didn't mention was on manners. I was brought up with good manners and it is something we constantly instill in our children. Though if I lacked those I don't think it would make my anxiety worse. In fact I think people lacking in manners are probably less prone to problems like anxiety as they tend to be more self-centred and heartless. That is a generalisation I know but it is my take on it.

The ideas are well meaning and within their own practices I think they would be very good tools to learn. But here I just feel its a little disjointed. On the way to mindful acceptance it looks to me like the authors have borrowed a little from lots of different places and bundled it together. And in doing that I think they have lost their spark becoming rather mundane exercises with little spiritual attachment. That is a shame in itself.

Maybe I'm just too emotionally retarded to do these exercises but I can't seem to buy in to them. Then again it could be my lack of faith in they way they have been kidnapped for my benefit. That doesn't sit well with me. Also I feel that not enough of the background on each exercise is provided. Its very much a case of presenting it and repetitively following it without actually knowing what spiritual benefit it will bring.

The grand idea of 'pay it forward' is very much at play here overall in the chapter and while the vision of all the world holding hands and singing along to the same tune is not to be ridiculed it is not realistic either and nor does it help me with my anxiety. Reality is what keeps me stuck and it is reality that I must deal with and not the ideal that things could be so much better were we to start blowing kisses at each other. I can see that being a spiritually better person is very beneficial and that is something I would like to learn more about but I don't think I am going to find what I am looking for in this book. I will though keep plodding on with it.