Week Sixteen
Twice this week I have managed to get halfway but no further but at no point have I walked early to school. Just not up for it. But I gave a pledge to myself to get out more and right away my wife must have sensed it. It was ridiculous, I told myself, to decline the offer from my wife early in the day to go out in the car. So I sat fighting with that for a time and then said I would go but not for a long drive expecting a mile, panic and quick retreat. Half an hour later we were at the David Livingston Centre. We stopped and I took some photos of the monument there which I was going to use here- another day perhaps. As we left my wife spotted a squirrel.
She stopped the car and I took what I could from the window cursing my little camera with its shitty little zoom. Wishing I had a big telescoping effort reaching out of the car to bring the little furry thing crisp into view. I knew if I got out the squirrel would beat it up the nearest tree so I had to rely on the shitty little 5x zoom to get what I could- above. My knowledge of wildlife could fit on a postage stamp but I'm sure these little creatures don't let you get close. This squirrel didn't stick around long. Not a great pick but best I could do.
After the squirrel we picked the boy up from nursery which I have not done for a while and in all we were out an hour which is good and I hope to try to build on that. Getting out in the car means not sitting at home in my head. Getting out in any form is good for me. I need more of it balanced against the anxiety it inevitably causes.
Not a great photo. Its for a reason. One day this week I had a massive, and strange, urge. Its been on my mind for a while I think. Every time I see my ties in the drawers which were worn every work day for god knows how long. Shirt, tie, dress trousers and shoes. I was made redundant in July 2005 and all that stopped. Having been forced to dress that way for so long I refused to after except on special occasions. The last of those was a christening in June 2006. I haven't worn shoes since then and I don't think, to my knowledge, I current own a pair. Its just boots or trainers. Not only have I not worn a tie since that day but not a shirt either. No reason to. T-Shirts and jumpers. So today after a shower I decided rather than getting a T-shirt out of the drawer and a jumper because its bloody cold I would try the bottom drawer which I never go into. In there was a shirt I got for Christmas. Hasn't been touched, again no need to. I put it on. It felt strange. I also put a pair of trousers I had not worn for probably the same length of times- later on I found a tenner in the back pocket which was nice. It felt different. It felt unusual. The wife and then the kids when they came in from school looked startled and commented. Probably a one off. Just felt like a change.
Later that day out of the blue the inlaws came. They said they would stay for an hour and over 2 hours later they left which wiped me out. They took the girls with them which was very good of them. The schools were off for the latter half of the week and my wife and son went up there later in the week for a few days. Some peace during that time, I am thankful. And the girls will have a great time too having a big house to run about in and a big garden to play in as well as the other things their grandparents usually do for them. They are very lucky that way.
Lastly something of nothing, just a photo. Its always good when light follows dark. It creates great things. Things like a rainbow- not as prominent here as it was to the naked eye which is a frustration. The spectrum between light and dark too much for my little compact camera to handle- dynamic range. But as I said its always a pleasure when light follows dark. Me? I'm still waiting for the light as I descend further still into dark. I have felt ill at times this week- really ill. Cannot differentiate between proper illness and anxiety. Its most likely residual adrenaline from more panic but because the kids are not well at the moment my thinking sways me towards illness. Still I have been forcing myself out for walks with the boy and it was nice enough and I was better out than in except that I don't have the legs to stay out long. That is when we saw the rainbow. Nice it was too.
