Week Twenty
Swings down the park. Not much of a photo and not even where I am going to talk about in fact. This week I have again been walking to school and on Wednesday I managed to get past halfway to step 6. Good stuff. Got a bit panicky though, more so since it was before nine in the morning when I am not at my best in general. The problem is though that there is nothing there to photograph. These swings are nearer halfway than that point but thought I would take a photo anyway.
Mornings are not good for me so I have been doing well. There are two things. The earlier I rise the more I clock watch and get anxious about how long the day is- probably because it means more probability of panic and getting panicking earlier means I have a longer time to feel shit after. Also though its not just time. My body seems to need time to unwind. I get up very tense which makes activity of any kind harder and as the day goes on I seem to move more freely. That is why I used to prefer walking at night.
But despite that my furthest walk to the school came early in the day so maybe its all mental in that regard. Half the battle is not being swamped by the negative future thoughts and the other half is dealing with the day ahead if a walk that early does effect me badly. That though was one of four walks this week. I have managed seven and a half miles this week in total which is good going for me. Lots of positives. It is in fact the second week in a row of doing that. And looking back over the charts I keep two weeks in a row is the most I have ever managed in 3 years. The charts are all spikes. Now the challenge for the week ahead. I need consistency and to maintain that level for as long as I can.
A lot on my mind this week. Enough anxiety to be getting on with. The financial problems, the visit from my wife's friend and an ear infection to boot. The ear affects my balance and so my walking but that didn't stop me. Small steps. I walked to the skate park one day after saying goodbye to the family on their way to school. I looked at this wall and saw a "Rise Up" spray. In fact I've seen a few now. Given the turmoil at the moment across the land I can see it catching on. People are angry and devoid of hope while others sit on fat arses drinking champagne carefree pissing on the masses. Its going to turn, its in the air. And its going to be ugly. Apologies for the other graffiti.
On Armistice day, 11:11 on 11/11/11, my wife's friend came to stay the night. Here they are pictured after going to see Will Young in concert. Not sure if its high spirits from that or just spirits in general but they had a great time. As always visitors give me a lot of anxiety. No escape. And it doesn't matter who the visitor is. Take my wife's friend. A really lovely lass and so easy to get on with. That kind of good company doesn't make a difference to my anxiety because my anxiety is all internal and about me and my perception of danger and worry over inability to escape when panic rears. So I get very mixed emotions. It was great to see her, I enjoyed her being there but also I hated the anxiety that came with it. As always I felt trashed after and in need of many hours of sleep which having a young family I didn't get.
