Forever Anxious

Beary

2012-01-23T09:09:00.008Z

Week Thirty

Beary, at the top. The boy's bedtime friend. Won't sleep without beary and tucks him in before he goes to nursery. The image is an indication of my lack of outside activity this week. Not been out much at all. Its not being lazy. More to do with tiredness and overdoing it. I could have done with my own little beary to help me sleep. No matter how late I'm never tired enough yet too tired when I wake. This is where I think the time anxiety comes from. Anxiety over the time on the clock and how long is left in the day. In fact that could be the root of by daily general anxiety as unlike most who after waking at some point feel refreshed and tire as the days goes on I start very tired and wake up from tea time to late evening. Come midnight I am at my most awake. I think when the time comes for work I'll have to go for a night shift. Its like jet lag. I think my body clock works in the wrong time zone.

At the start of the week I pulled something in my shoulder which came with its usual good timing. When I got up it was a bit painful but more uncomfortable. My wife had decided it was time to swap bedrooms. Rightfully she is worried about the kids and the damp in their room so wanted them swapped over. I said to leave it a day as my shoulder was a problem. As usual she said she'd do it herself then. So discomfort with a guilt trip versus more uncomfortable and anxious. Well I ended up with both.

I told her if she was determined to go ahead with it then she'd have to realise it would take more than a day to do. So if she was determine to go ahead the best thing to do would be move everything but the bed. That way we'd all be assured of a bed that night and the following day the two of us could dismantle, move and re-assemble the beds together. She didn't reply. Ten minutes later she was in the hall pulling a mattress from the bedroom. Twenty minutes after that when I went through she has started dismantling the bed. So I was roped in. So determined was she to see the delight of the kids at having a new room to sleep in she went ahead doing it her own way. By the end of the day I was knackered and that night as I predicted we all slept on mattresses. There was no big show for the girls. The day after it was all done.

It was good to get some activity. It did have a knock on affect with my walks. But it was probably better exercise that I needed. The second day was easier than the first which is how it should be. I was sorest two days after. I get frustrated though. I expect to be able to do things I could do before. This is an aspect of my problems which could be anxiety or might not be and how it all started with tiring very easily. To be honest most of the problems I had with the beds were not to do with lifting or anything requiring strength but from bending for long spells and stretching. What I need to remember that although age isn't a big factor it is a factor. I am 40 now not 20. My body is going to react differently. But the biggest factor is how inactive I am so obviously any activity is going to be more difficult than it is for someone active.

But it is linked to anxiety. Its an anxiety cycle of sorts. And as I said its how its started. Activity leads to getting tired quick and out of breath and shaky. Feeling that way makes me anxious. Because it gets me anxious I tend to avoid it if I can. Activity then becomes harder and gets me in that state quicker and makes me more willing to avoid any more. And so on.

I see how in the past this came to be. I was going to the doctors because I was get tired so quickly. I was noticing it a lot more. I got tests and no problems were found. Then the anxiety. I think the anxiety wasn't just the tiredness and lack of energy but more from the fact not only did I not know what was happening to me but the doctors couldn't find anything physically wrong with me either. They were only too pleased I suppose when I stopped going because it was proving futile.

And so it continues. The only way to break the cycle is by getting more active- on my own terms. Not a long period of inactivity then a short burst of activity that proves to much for me and just re-enforces my desire for avoidance. Acceptance that at the moment I'm not as capable as I used to be. Build it up slowly.

I've been a bit obsessed this past week. Well more than obsessed. Good distraction if nothing else. About 6 months ago a lady contacted me about an ancestor in my family tree and after a little work together it sort of ended then I never heard from her again. That is usually the way. The only topic of conversation soon dries up. But she contacted me at the beginning of last week again and we set off working down new paths. Its been a while since I really had a taste for tracing my family but the bug is back and I seem to be working on it night and day again.

To begin with I was concentrating on the line the lady was most interested but have now moved away to two main ares. One of those is my earliest known ancestors born around 1796 somewhere in Scotland and trying to find their parents. I think I have found the paternal set but proving it is another thing. And if my instincts are right then its rather spooky. It would mean their local parish church would have been Bothwell which I can see if I walk down the end of the street. Considering I was born in once place, brought up in another, lived somewhere else when I left home and only find myself here because of my wife that is rather strange. Stranger still when I look into the distance and see the church and wonder to myself if those were my ancestors going there 200 years ago.

Everything points to it being so but in this period its very difficult to get the evidence to back it up. In the UK statutory records were introduced in 1855. From that date forth all births, marriages and deaths were recorded and so can be referenced- or hatches, matches and dispatches as my gran used to say. Before 1855 there were no records. The only reference is parish church records which are a lottery. Local parishes recorded births and baptisms to a degree but maintenance of these records differs from parish to parish. They recorded marriages too which are just as patchy. Deaths were not recorded at all. For that the only real references are monumental inscriptions which are near impossible to find. And even within these parish records that are there the information varies and is scant at best. Given that my oldest known ancestor died in 1843 I have no record to reference his parents. The only reason I know he died then was throw painstaking research and finding his death recorded in The Scotsman newspaper. As I said monumental inscriptions are more difficult to find yet if his parents are who I think they are then they are buried not far away in a Bellshill cemetery.

The other area I am looking at is my paternal grandfather through the help of Google who have once again come up with a brilliant free resource. They have digitised a series of newspapers and put them on line. Two of those are from my area and one goes back to the start of the 1800s. All for free. There is no search so its hard going. To be honest though I haven't really gotten anywhere with that. I have only found a mention of his death in both papers when it happened and trawling the months after has uncovered nothing. But I did feel a great sadness reading the first of those published the day after his death. I didn't think I would because I never knew him but I think there was something very lonely in it all. He died in 1969, 2 years before I was born:

A cyclist was killed yesterday on the Edinburgh-Glasgow road at Inchwood, two miles west of Kilsyth, Stirlingshire. He had been travelling towards Glasgow when he was in a collision with a car. The dead man had not been identified last night. He is aged about 35 and 5ft 11" in height. He was wearing a green chorded windcheater, brown checked trousers and cycling shoes. Anyone who may be able to identify him should get in contact with the Kilsyth police.

Probably sadness because the following day he still had not been identified. According to my mum her parents had been rowing and he went out for a cycle to cool off- he was a keen cyclist. And that is when it happened. According to her also the driver blacked out and ran into the back of him. But there is no indication of that in the piece. So that had me thinking there would be no more said but in the second newspaper report there was a glimmer. It is an evening paper and was printed on the same day as the one above:

The cyclist, killed yesterday after his bicycle was in a collision with a car on the Kilsyth-Kirkintilloch road near Queenzieburn, Stirlingshire, yesterday, has been identified as Mr **** (42), of 12 Spey Street, Riddrie, Glasgow who leaves a wife and six children. A Spokesman for Kilsyth Police said a report on the accident would sent to the procurator fiscal.

A report to the procurator fiscal usually means, I think, something worth looking into further- not just a clear cut accident. So I have been looking for mention of a court case without success. But on the Scottish National Archives site I found amongst the catalogues a case in 1971 of my maternal grandmother against a man who may well have been the driver. Its just a catalogue and I cannot access the file so I can't say for sure.

He must have looked not bad for his age if they thought he was 35 originally but he was 42. I couldn't say as I've never seen a photo of him. And that is what I pursue. Yet maybe I have and cannot remember it. I had a memory come back to be the other day of being in my maternal grandmother's house when I was very young. My parents had left me with her and I was in the living room looking about. There is every chance there was a photo of him there and I saw it but its too long ago to remember.

Its a weird thing typing grandmother or grandfather when referring to the two. I don't refer to them as that. My wife actually asked me why I say "my mum's mum" or "my mum's dad". I had to think about that and it was because that is how my parents always referenced them. I have no other name for them so that is who they are. On my dad's side I had my granda and gran- though the latter was "nana" until my teens when she said I'd have to stop calling her that. My parents are referred to as the same by my kids and they call my wife's parents grandpa and granny. But applying any of those to my mum's parents would feel foreign. In the case of my mum she always referred to them as "my" as opposed to "your".

I know. What an awful pic. I had nothing else. As I said I wasn't out much and on top of that there is not much to see anyway in my limited area. I should have taken a photo of the beds or something more in relation to the post.

Anxiety wasn't too bad last week but did flare up on Saturday. Straight from when I was awoken to be told the inlaws were on their way. They only stayed about an hour. My mother-in-law took the oldest girl into Glasgow while my wife drover her father and the other two kids to the football. But they returned after for another 3 hours. Not that bad. I am usually better at night. I can't take visits first thing in the morning. Not much use for anything first thing.

As always though there is more anxiety, or curbing of it, than I realise and within an hour of a visit I feel washed out. Could hardly keep my eyes open on Saturday. Its always the way. It shows how energy sapping and tiring the mind can make a person if that is the way of things. It also makes it difficult therefore to draw a line in the sand dividing physical tiredness from mentally generated tiredness. Its impossible to do. In my own case at least there is mental tiredness without physical tiredness but never physical tiredness without mental tiredness. The mind plays a devilish hand in every moment I am awake.

As I said my walks are down but I am hoping to get them back on track in the week ahead. Its a slow process. When I am struggling I sometimes worry that it is always going to be this way. I forget that there was a time I was worse than this and then things managed to improve with the right self management- ie not overdoing it. Its a small steps process which is frustrating to keep to but ultimately the right way for me as it has worked in the past. So I'll try to keep with it this time.

Obscure reflections

2012-01-16T16:32:00.010Z

Week Twenty Nine

A flurry of dreams in the past few days. Not enjoyable, not nightmares. Similar to ones before. Dreams imitating life. I parked in a car park and far in the distance was a massive shopping centre from where I was brought up. There was a pub and I went in to meet my mum there and she showed be a staircase. We went up about 10 flights and then at the top through glass doors. It was like a large corridor shaped like when you board a plane but glass all round and hundreds of people going back and forth. We walked to the end and more glass doors. I could already see all the shops and all the people- the shopping centre. My mum explained that you could get to it not only via the pub but through lots of different buildings in the area. All roads lead to commerce.

And then a realisation. What if I panic? Jeez, how will I get back. My mind tread back through doors, corridor, doors, stairs, car park and then drive. Too much. Panic. Uncontrollable panic. So much so I woke up. This happens so often. I am in a dream doing mundane things and then suddenly I am aware that I am a panic merchant and it all kicks off. Rarely does it wake me but this one did. It took me a long time to calm after and I think the only reason I did was it was early and I managed to drift back to sleep again. But it shows how much panic is on my mind, the fear of it. And how that fear sparks off panic itself. Just like life. I wonder, or maybe hope, its there now to give me a chance to try coping with it in the safety of dreams. Maybe not. Regardless of where I am externally I am still mentally in the same place with the same fears. Maybe I just need a safer place to deal with them first. Maybe not.

The dreams are an obscured reflection of reality, or at least how it is pieced together in my head. A bit like seeing the world in a hall of mirrors where its familiar but not quite right. A bit like our living room reflected on the lamp above. The kids love it because they can see themselves and they do like to see themselves. They miss the reflection of the TV screen for that but this is better. I hate that lamp. Its making me edgy. I said in a previous post its not stable and leaning over like its going to fall. I think that is what is making me edgy: waiting for it to fall but it never does. Monstrosity that it is, all for the sake of a bargain.

Its been a very tiring week but I expected that. Not through any physical effort but adjustment. Kids back to school. Its a bit like dealing with jet lag. A new later to bed, later to rise routine had been established and then its back to earlies. It takes a while to adjust. At least a few weeks before it lifts. And that is not just for the anxious type like myself but my wife feels it too. Even the kids feel it until the evening when they suddenly explode into life too soon, too loudly and too frenzied.

No corresponding pic for that. Just a heart. Just a macro. Not much doing this week I am afraid.

Ah, finding something else to talk about besides the kids, anxiety and tiredness. Well to be honest at the moment there isn't much else that comes to mind. Just been taking random photos looking for something to fill up the page until I can find some sort of inspiration. I could talk about other nasties like spots that no amount of scrubbing seems to shift. Such bad skin since my anxiety problems which I am led to believe is anxiety related just as stressed people get skin rashes and other skin complaints of all sorts.

Instead I will talk about the image above. A bottle of whisky. Not a big one but a miniature. Give to me at Christmas time with a pair of slippers from my inlaws. Its a malt apparently and was won in a raffle so passed on to me as a present. The last time my inlaws gave me some whisky was about 6 months ago, maybe more. Its still sitting in the kitchen. A malt too. Its not that I don't like whisky. I just have to be in the mood to have the odd dram. But even at that its only the odd dram and its been a while. Even in times of stress and anxiety its not appealing. Its more times like sitting having a read and wanting to relax at night. So its been a while. Maybe I'll drink it this year but not any time soon. And certainly not enough to make the living room look like it does in the lamp.

Last week of holidays

2012-01-09T16:58:00.012Z

Week Twenty Eight

Its been the most lazy week I have had for a while. Not even been out except to put bins out and other little things. The weather has been atrocious. The gales have been blowing, the rain falling. Reluctantly at times having to put the heating on when we can take no more of the cold.

Last week of holidays for the kids which has made for a long one full of very long days. Don't get me wrong its no fun for them either. They got scooters for Christmas and longingly looked out the window each morning to see if the weather was good enough to get out- never was. But I've been finding it mentally tough. So much noise, fighting, arguing and huffs galore. It also created a bit of tension between me and my wife who is much more sedate and allows them to stay up later than I would like- sometimes as late as midnight. So it causes a difference of opinion. She is also less lenient with them which is why I have that "Mr Grumpy" mug.

We've had a few visitors too this week. A visit from my wife's father and older sister. Her older sister adopted two kids late last year and this is the first time I had seen them. Lovely looking kids. Still very young- both younger than our youngest. As usual mixed emotions. Good and bad. A "we can't stay and don't have time even for a cuppa" transpired into a visit of over an hour but I got through it.

Not much else to tell of the week. The image above is crap but it was the closest I could get to capturing the weather. Should have done it in daylight I suppose. A photo can't show the fact I had to hold the window to keep it from blowing shut or the banshee cry as the wind whizzed down the street or the battering the window was getting from the rain. My wife would kill me if she knew I posted a pic of those windows.

One of the things the kids enjoyed about being stuck indoors was a colour in wendy house my youngest girl got from Santa. They spent ages decorating it with pens and paint- one side anyway. And had a lot of fun with it like here.

Such a shame. Just flimsy cardboard with a print on it. They would have been as pleased with the box it came in. I noticed a lot of stuff we bought this year was cheaply made. Quality really is a thing of the past when it comes to toys. Long gone the job of the toy maker in favour now of mass production cheap plastic junk with a higher profit margin. Honestly some of the stuff was beyond belief and won't last long at all.

A bit like a standing light my wife bought at the weekend. It was half price and had obviously been handed back. No wonder. The thing won't even stand up straight. So flimsy. I told her to take it back but she is determined to find a way to keep it upright. So its sort of hanging in a corner looking like it might topple over if you breathed on it.

Been looking at a lot of portrait photography and liking it- black and whites especially. So tried to recreate it with a lay attempt- ie take a snap and try to do the work in the dark room so to speak. But I liked it even though it wasn't what I wanted it to be.

Liked it so much I put in on Facebook. That brought a scowl from my wife: why did you post that? She thinks there are much better photos of our son. There probably are but I like this one. Any chance for a put down recently.

To do it properly you need lighting sources. That can be done on the cheap and with some patience. But as usual I work on a notion with what I've got. It would probably be better though next time to dig out a tutorial on how to do it properly.

New Year 2012

2012-01-02T11:13:00.002Z

Week Twenty Seven

Just one photo for this week. My family upped sticks and went north on Christmas day leaving me not only alone for most of the week but without a camera. Not that I was out and about much to take photos of anything. I have a mobile phone but the camera is crap on it and transferring is a pain. Add to that the lack of light at this time of year and its hard to get a photo that is in focus. I did take some but they were blurry no matter how steady I held the phone. One day I took a photo of our car park strewn with rubbish after gale force winds blow over all the bins but that was unusable. I also have the camcorder which takes photos but the quality is not much better than the phone.

The time alone started with difficulty but eased. This is always the way. Not much to note in that time. I should have enjoyed the silence because when the kids returned I was soon mentally climbing the walls again between the general din, crying, arguing, fighting, huffs, attention seeking and tale telling. They were here at the end of the year and we started the new year as a family.

A new day, a new year. New date, same old shit. Centred around the family meal to start the year. My wife spent most of the day preparing it and as always did a great job. Even the oldest sat down with us at the table despite being in bed for a couple of hours before it ill. She has been poorly the past few days and also has a cough like the boy. To be honest I wasn't much in the mood for a meal. Even at home I get very anxious having to sit at the table for a duration but I did it. A glass of wine helped. I was going to take a family photo around the table on self timer but we were all in our PJs, a lazy day as I said.

So this is just a token photo. A reminder of the day. Might as well enjoy it. My wife goes back to work this week and in a week's time the kids are back at school. Then it will be back to the grind. In the meantime I plan to work on my anxiety and try to get some relief this year. As I said yesterday the year ahead looks bleak for most of the nation. That is outwith my control. Anxiety relief is within my control. Sort of. If it was just a case of choosing then I would choose. But I want to be better by the end of this year regardless of what a mess the country is in and how that effects us financially. I'd like in a year's time to raise a glass and have real reason to toast the coming year.

Christmas 2011

2011-12-26T17:02:00.003Z

Week Twenty Six

I think I went I bit over the top with this pic but no matter. Sometimes subtlety is the best option but that is something I have yet to master. It looks overdone unfortunately. A snap of the kids ready for school (and nursery) with their Santa hats on. Why they go to school this week is beyond me because all they are doing is watching DVDs and with conditions very bad today, ice, its silly to ask parents to take them and pick them up. Aside from the pic I have been mostly bothered by this bloody melancholy again. Its just adrenaline. Too much unspent adrenaline. Sure I can see that but its a constant battle to convince myself- often a losing one.

It was there last week of school which is good and bad. It means I don't have to get up so early. It means the kids are indoors all long day long bored and agitated. A long holiday period ahead.

OK, I cheated sort of. It is Christmas Eve but taken technically on Christmas day- the clock is a give away. But it took that long to assemble everything and with the prospect of an early rise we really should be in bed early too but it was a late night. We will regreted it in the morning. They are very lucky kids. Very lucky that their mum spent so much time wrapping for a start. Lots of present and more to come from relatives. So much expense.

And lastly something a bit different moving away from the Christmas theme. This time of year there is mostly going to be low light, high ISO, grainy, blurry photos. Trees from a walk I had. Added sepia and some soft focus seemed to give it a little more haunted look- to me anyway. If I could be arsed I could have added a texture or two. But really I can't be at the moment. Just want to get Christmas over with then deal with being alone for the majority of it.

Infection still slowly clearing up and the walks still picking up a little. The latter will change though. Either kids at home all day or being alone I will walk less.

Nativity

2011-12-19T18:42:00.006Z

Week Twenty Five

This is a nativity scene arranged by my oldest daughter at the bottom of the Christmas tree. Its not represented well because of me being lazy. All those wires and even a Wii fit board in the background. Also should have used a larger depth of field (not even sure if that is right as I get mixed up with depth of field and aperture) to keep everything in focus but I was struggling for light and getting a fully focused image requires more light.

As soon as it turned December it seemed every third post on Facebook was of someone putting up their Christmas tree and decoration. Not here. My wife is ever the traditionalist so our tree went up 12 days before Christmas. Pic above. Much to the kids delight.

Feeling better but not over the lurgy yet. Walks have picked up but only short and sporadic at the moment. Blown about like a rag doll with gale force winds and soaked to the skin on most of them. Truly awful weather. Not just that but it was freezing. On one walk I noted I was the only one out there not in a vehicle. Proof I think that my lack of walks is not laziness.

There were much better days to venture out on. Its more to do with how I feel in myself. And in some ways I feel better but having real problems with my breathing again which has coincided with the return of the cough. Well, perceived breathing problems at least as every time I sit down and analyse my breathing I can't find fault except for the constant alarm going off in my head telling me otherwise. The mind is a strange thing.

Nothing else to tell or see. As far as the zoom would reach from the window to a far away place. Somewhere different yet visible. Maybe not that far away. Maybe one day.

Winter bugs

2011-12-12T12:36:00.002Z

Week Twenty Four

We have our the first snow. Should be magical, used to be magical, but when you feel shit in a freezing cold flat and the temperature plummets over night there is nothing magical about it. I'm going around in circles here. A little bird in the snow looking for food. Not sure what type of bird. Willie Wagtail? Don't know.

With my health declining my wife phoned the surgery and I awaited a call. I spoke to the doctor reluctantly. Very nice she was too. One minute and forty seven seconds later a diagnosis over the phone. Chest infection for sure with "I'll leave a little antibiotic for you to pick up at any time". My wife kindly picked it up for me and I have been taking the course this week. Its improved a little but still having these breathless coughing fits which are scary and no fun at all. A lot of breathing related problems. The worst of these is a sudden sharp involuntary intake of breath like the body has decided its not getting enough air or there is a blockage. That is something I don't like at all when it happens. Worries me. But hopefully I am on the path to recovery now and the symptoms will take care of themselves. As I expected the antibiotic is not fast working.

As a result of the illness I have been out even less than last week and the two times I did go out were very hard going indeed. Again frustration but this is going to be like starting over again when I can eventually get back out again. Not helped by the weather. The snow turned to ice making it very slippery underfoot which is not walking weather for me. The wind though was something else.

Not the best pic. It was supposed to convey movement of the wind but just looks like a crap taken photo. Scotland has been hit with 100mph winds this week, 165mph up the North, so that lead to the kids being at home one day with the schools shut and even my wife at home as her work closed early- that is her now finished for the year.

My main concern with the wind was powercuts but thankfully that never happened. Its cold so no power means no heating which I think would be unbearable at night. And it would mean no hot food. No light. No TV or laptop- no distraction. Don't think I could have handled that.

Forty

2011-12-05T16:37:00.002Z

Week Twenty Three

This week I turned forty. Not memorable for so many reasons. Feeling really ill now and starting to get worried. Apart from fevers, cold shivers, burning up and all the rest I am very chesty. Its the lurgy. But I worry more that its moving into a chest infection. Horrendous coughing fits in which I am struggling to get a breath and therefore panicking. Really not good at all.

So the last thing I needed was visitors. It being a big birthday though how could I turn people away. But I really was not up to it. Feeling as shit as I have felt for a long time and lots of worry over that I was in no frame of mind for people with visitors. I think I would have crawled to bed and gone to sleep if I had known that seven hours of my fortieth birthday were to be filled with visitors.

A scene from the day. The day I was dreading. Not because I was saying goodbye to my thirties and a reluctant hello to my forties but because of visitors. The type deep down I want to visit but this bloody anxiety won't allow me to. My mum, my sister, her kids and my inlaws. Everyone who came, everyone who didn't and my own little family were all very generous: beers, sweets, a cover for my kindle, a hoody top and lots of money because I'd asked for that primarily in my bid to save for a new camera. A proper camera. One with changing lenses and lots of options. Still undecided. Obviously DSLR is the way to go for picture quality but I'd drawn to CSC for their size and the fact I would walk about with one without looking like a tourist.

Lots of anxiety. Plenty of the horrible derealisation where I felt I was watching everything from the sidelines, shudder. Got through it though. And it didn't help that I am so damned ill still. Just can't shake this thing. I think a call to the doctor is imminent because its getting worse.

Now I am in my forties. There I said it. Hope they are better than my thirties which is a conflicting thing to say because I worked for half of that decade of my life, got married, went on holidays, had friends, travelled and best of all my three kids were born. Just the anxiety clouding it all.

My wife would have a fit if she knew I posted a photo of that cup. Not before she had given it a good scrub. But I prefer it that way. When there is tea in it I think it adds flavour. But its nearly as bad as the windows- she'd have a fit over posting a photo of them alone.

Not normal tea in there this week. Black tea with honey and a slice of lemon. An attempt to get rid of this cough and ease the throat. Not sure it is doing much at all but I keep taking it.

The 'Mr Grumpy' cup was my daughters' idea. With good reason of late too. Of all the Mr Men they decided that is who I was. Children say what they feel. It says a lot and I cannot disagree with them. Ive got a much shorter fuse nowadays.

The weather has been much the same. Illustrated here in the wet and puddles. On a walk with the boy which turned out to be my last of the week- on Tuesday. There goes maintaining my walks. I was on schedule the first two days of the week covering two and a half miles. Ahead of schedule even but I then found I just couldn't go out feeling so ill. So I am frustrated. If it was just laziness I could pick them back up this week but I won't as this illness is not improving any.

Uninspired

2011-11-28T10:27:00.004Z

Week Twenty Two

I should have stuck to trying to being more creative indoors like last week as its a poor selection of images this week. So poor I was struggling to pick three. That is the way it goes. Not for lack of getting out. I have managed 4 weeks now of walks of over seven miles. Maintaining them. That is what I wanted to do. First time in three years. I just have to keep doing it and if I can then look to slowly increase them.

Bloody sinus troubles though. Been blocked up this last week and after walking my nostrils were aflame. Then the left ear started to hurt followed by face pains/pressure here and there. All indicating either blocked sinus or a sinus infection. Retiring to bed two hours earlier than usual too and struggling to stay awake in the evenings. Its definitely not helping me get through the walks which are a chore more than anything now. But I am determined to keep them going.
The above was taken from one of them. I walked right through there for the first time in a while. Down towards the main street. As usual started to get panicky so turned back. Its a little expanding of the bubble though.

Weather not helping inside or out. Here there was a fall of sleet. Not much for a picture but to illustrate the fact. Not much attraction in going out, bloody freezing inside. No snow though yet. Sleet is the closest we have come. And the cold isn't helping with the way I am feeling. Feel really crappy. Don't think its all anxiety but there is obviously a lot of it on top.

With the daylight hours getting shorter a lot of walking is in the dark. That is not good for photography- handheld at least. Light is the most important ingredient for any camera. This one was down the down around the back of five. Trying to capture the Christmas lights without much success.

Getting creative

2011-11-21T18:04:00.002Z

Week Twenty One

Something a bit different this week. I've lost my way a bit already. Creatively I mean. Been keeping up the walks but not much new to take photographs of. So I've tried to do something a little different. More about processing that photography.

Here I have used an idea from a magazine. It involves 3 images blended together to represent a girl looking out a rain soaked window at fireworks. An image of rain on a window was provided by the magazine, the fireworks and outside reflection were an old photo posted here from Firework night and the photo of the girl I took this week in keeping with the blog. It works OK. Could be better but OK.

Its just the hair that is a problem and that is mainly down to the fact its been about a year since I did any manipulating in Photoshop and its all a bit foreign now. Its a metaphor I suppose, the image. All the attractions are outside. The people are outside experiencing them. And I am at the other side of the glass watching, even though its not me in the photo- rather not use my mug. It might be something I do again with the only criteria being that I at least use a photo taken the week in it, preferably all photos from that week. Aside from the photo its been a shitty week. One of many. Nausea, anxiety and the usual.

Above the kids playing a game on their day off, a school holiday. A simple game with a blindfold. Forget the Wii. They had a great time and minimal crying which was good. The boy is just about to go looking for the girls and as you can see the youngest is cheating by hiding in the kitchen so he won't find her. Cheeky scamp.

Added a couple of textures to it. Mainly because indoors is lacking natural light and as such needs a higher ISO to compensate unless I am photographing something still. Higher ISO means more sensitivity producing more noise and grainier images. On my little camera ISO 100, 200 and to some extent 400 are pretty noise free. ISO 800 starts to get very visible grain, must worse at ISO 1600 which the camera's automatic function defaults to indoors like here. ISO 3200 is virtually unusable. This is to do with smaller cameras. On a DSLR with much bigger sensors the noise is managed much better and I would be able to get away with ISO 1600 no problem at all indoors. But also this is automatic. I'm a lazy sod. I have experimented in manual mode and managed to get a balance at a lower ISO but it depends how much movement there is. Here I could have done it. Catching the right moment there was not much movement.

Lastly just an image I wanted to do. I've seen this done lots of times. Again not as clear as I would like which is down to my camera but also because it was indoors- should have done it outdoors. Just an eye macro and then a colour change in Photoshop.

Aside from the photos some bad news this week. My wife got a text from my sister who had been trying to phone all day- tight bugger won't phone a mobile. My dad had been feeling unwell so went to the doctors who sent him in turn to the hospital for high blood pressure. He will be in until next week while they run tests. Worry and guilt. Worry for his health and guilt that I cannot go through to see him such is my agoraphobia.

Its been coming. He's one of many working his arse off and running himself into the ground in the process for fear of debt. He is 60 years old and I cannot remember a week where he did not work. And its harder now. Not just because of his age but because of the influx of foreign workers. He thinks he is lucky if he can find a week's work despite it being shitty work and for a fraction of what he used to earn before they opened the borders to all of Eastern Europe. Hard labour no 60 year old should be doing and the stress of finding work and the stress of my mum pressurising him to get work even though he couldn't try less harder. It all builds. He has been feeling ill for weeks but feels he cannot let that stop him working. This is the result. I just hope he is OK and slows down from the heavy lifting at least.

Old faces

2011-11-14T19:27:00.003Z

Week Twenty

Swings down the park. Not much of a photo and not even where I am going to talk about in fact. This week I have again been walking to school and on Wednesday I managed to get past halfway to step 6. Good stuff. Got a bit panicky though, more so since it was before nine in the morning when I am not at my best in general. The problem is though that there is nothing there to photograph. These swings are nearer halfway than that point but thought I would take a photo anyway.

Mornings are not good for me so I have been doing well. There are two things. The earlier I rise the more I clock watch and get anxious about how long the day is- probably because it means more probability of panic and getting panicking earlier means I have a longer time to feel shit after. Also though its not just time. My body seems to need time to unwind. I get up very tense which makes activity of any kind harder and as the day goes on I seem to move more freely. That is why I used to prefer walking at night.

But despite that my furthest walk to the school came early in the day so maybe its all mental in that regard. Half the battle is not being swamped by the negative future thoughts and the other half is dealing with the day ahead if a walk that early does effect me badly. That though was one of four walks this week. I have managed seven and a half miles this week in total which is good going for me. Lots of positives. It is in fact the second week in a row of doing that. And looking back over the charts I keep two weeks in a row is the most I have ever managed in 3 years. The charts are all spikes. Now the challenge for the week ahead. I need consistency and to maintain that level for as long as I can.

A lot on my mind this week. Enough anxiety to be getting on with. The financial problems, the visit from my wife's friend and an ear infection to boot. The ear affects my balance and so my walking but that didn't stop me. Small steps. I walked to the skate park one day after saying goodbye to the family on their way to school. I looked at this wall and saw a "Rise Up" spray. In fact I've seen a few now. Given the turmoil at the moment across the land I can see it catching on. People are angry and devoid of hope while others sit on fat arses drinking champagne carefree pissing on the masses. Its going to turn, its in the air. And its going to be ugly. Apologies for the other graffiti.

On Armistice day, 11:11 on 11/11/11, my wife's friend came to stay the night. Here they are pictured after going to see Will Young in concert. Not sure if its high spirits from that or just spirits in general but they had a great time. As always visitors give me a lot of anxiety. No escape. And it doesn't matter who the visitor is. Take my wife's friend. A really lovely lass and so easy to get on with. That kind of good company doesn't make a difference to my anxiety because my anxiety is all internal and about me and my perception of danger and worry over inability to escape when panic rears. So I get very mixed emotions. It was great to see her, I enjoyed her being there but also I hated the anxiety that came with it. As always I felt trashed after and in need of many hours of sleep which having a young family I didn't get.

Quiet festivities

2011-11-07T14:03:00.004Z

Week Nineteen

Halloween passes without much ado once more here. Such a shame. It was a big thing when I was a kid so I feel the kids are missing out. In all the years I have stayed here there has been not one knock on the door, some sense of community. So the school provides their party but not on Halloween itself. This year for a change my wife decided to break with tradition and got a melon instead of a pumpkin. We just hollow out the pumpkin and throw out the innards. Who really eats pumpkin? So instead we all had some lovely juicy melon as well as a replacement pumpkin. My oldest daughter drew the face and my wife carved. I took the photo which I was struggling with. Just couldn't get it looking right. So eventually I settled on a long exposure and used a torch to illuminate the face while the shutter was open for 5 seconds. It worked better than expected. So much so that I decided not to touch it at all so this is straight out the camera- well I cropped it and resized it but apart from that its out the camera. We did have dooking for apples and pears plus pizza. Very unconventional but the kids enjoyed it.

And as well as Halloween we also had Fireworks night, Bonfire Night, Guy Fawkes night or whatever the proper term is. Extremely foggy that night but the fog cleared again in time for my wife and kids to shoot off East for a night of fireworks, bouncy castles and hot dogs with my mum, sister and her family. I stayed at home, of course. Despite how cold it was I sat at the window with it open on a stool with a beer and my camera on a tripod trying to take photographs of fireworks. Lots tonight, previous years have been poor. Very difficult for me owning just a little compact. The problem is that there is no manual focus, just auto focus. So there is no infinity. Its pot luck how the focus goes. I must have taken about 100 shots. I could have taken several hundred more and it wouldn't have mattered. Two OK ones, one above. Nothing great. Not what I wanted but better than previous years. One day I hope to have the technology to do it properly. I've left this one out of the camera. Pointless trying to process night shots as it rarely works.

I started the week going for walks to school again. Didn't keep it going though. Its not the walks. They stopped one morning about an hour after I got home and another adrenaline rush out the blue. Then another and so on. Miserable. Its annoying that one day I can cope and the next I cannot. Its the same understanding yet one day it is so clear in my head, others it is not. I don't know if its related to how tired I am or how much panic I have had before it. I don't know in general. Bad habits are hard to break. Because you go 24 hours clean doesn't mean the next day will be any easier. Its all urges. The urge to panic. The ability to cope with fear.

But as I said I did however push myself out a couple of times. The photo above is from the park. I've taken down there before so thought I would try something a little different with the processing. Not sure it works. All I know is its different and not really like a photo at all.

Flat

2011-10-31T11:45:00.004Z

Week Eighteen

This pic doesn't tell a story. It was more an experiment which didn't quite work. Looking around at different photos I am drawn to some black and white effects which I tried to create here with a fallen leaf. But to be honest I think its not quite possible because my little camera doesn't capture in RAW format, only JPG. That is limiting when processing. But it wasted an hour or two anyway and its a bit more interesting than any other image this week.

We all seem to be tired this week, maybe its the crap weather. It darkens the mood. The joys of living in a windy, wet, cold and dark Scottish winter. Bad neck pain this week too which I think comes from tension which in turns comes from anxiety and probably lack of physical activity too given its not going out weather. And that effects everything else: upper arms, shoulders, back and even face in the jaws and the eyes which burn. That apart I have nothing else to moan about you'll be pleased to read.

Despite how I have been feeling we have been getting out in the car again which is more appealing than walking in this weather. My wife doing the driving which frees me up to snap but nothing to snap here. Actually its good to just get a heat as the car heats much better and faster and cheaper than our home.

That was until Friday when my wife went out and came straight back in to report we had a flat tire. So I set about getting it changed while she walked to work. What a palava. Its five years since I changed a tyre and it used to be so simple. Not anymore, for me anyway. All day Friday and most of Saturday eventually even having to get someone to come and help in the end. I have never come across locking nuts before. That was a learning experience that took up most of that time after much headscratching on my part and even a Facebook post to ask why I had 4 bolts and they were not all the same shape.

No sense of achievement. Just sheepish and feeling stupid. My wife eventually got a guy from her work to come and have a look after I finally got the bolts off but the wheel was glued to the car. He just kicked it off. Something I didn't want to do in case I broke something on the car that cost us to get repaired or worse- broke something on my foot. Anyway that didn't help with my sense of stupidity. Apparently its common for alloys to become fused. If anything though I will know in future and I have learned something new.

Frustrated

2011-10-24T17:43:00.002+01:00

Week Seventeen

I've not talked about other problems of late here but will do now as I think its having a big effect on my anxiety. I'd forgotten our financial woes. The bomb shell was two and a half weeks ago. I'd forgotten about it. Hoped it had blown over and all been a proper mistake. No such luck. The double whammy, that delusion being the first. The second was the lying bastards have billed us for the previous year which they said to my wife on the phone they wouldn't do. Bunch of lying f***ers who had the cheek to give us a letter basically saying they were glad that we agreed we were fraudulent when it was those bastards that made the mistake. I am talking about the tax people who made a mistake in payments to us, have overpaid us and want the money back saying it was our fault. This is a double hit. Firstly the new payments are a lot smaller which is fair enough but also because they have been overpaying it will be even smaller as they take off what they are owed.

Sorry for the language but even now I am fuming. I hate them. I don't mind paying it back if it can be done in terms we can afford but I don't like being made to a look like a thief when it was their mistake, bastards. So not in the best of moods. Had to take that photo above. That just about sent me over the edge. At Christmas my wife bought me a laptop beany tray and recently a part of it keeps popping out and I have to spend half an hour picking up numerous tiny polystyrene balls. So when it happened for the third time this week I blew a fuse. Almost snapped the thing in two. Then I calmed. When my wife came back later I got the super glue and glued the bastard shut. Just a bad week. My wife was in tears when I spoke to her because she believed the HMRC, took them at their word and didn't read between the lines in that letter where they were blaming us. I cannot get the worry out of my head. It keeps going around in loops. Have to let it go but I just can't seem to and its doing me no good. As I said its affecting my anxiety and making me prone to fits of anger, taunting me like those polystyrene balls.

Cold wet and windy outside for most of the week so preferred to stay indoors. Lazy sod. This was a big day for my son though not much of a photo. When we got the laptop a couple of months back the girls were all excited about having their own log in account with password. The boy had to make do with a log in and no password because he's only three. But over the past week he has somehow learned to type his name and not only that he can type everyone else's name too. So I set up his name as a password and he is over the moon. Learning to type before he can write. Changed days from when I was a lad.

For most of the week I have been alone. Not much to take photos of. Clutching at straws. I went for a walk on one day and found this abandoned tricycle. Another example of tipping. Don't want it, dump it. Some child's pride and joy at some point.

Nuts, Maybe

2011-10-17T22:39:00.002+01:00

Week Sixteen

Twice this week I have managed to get halfway but no further but at no point have I walked early to school. Just not up for it. But I gave a pledge to myself to get out more and right away my wife must have sensed it. It was ridiculous, I told myself, to decline the offer from my wife early in the day to go out in the car. So I sat fighting with that for a time and then said I would go but not for a long drive expecting a mile, panic and quick retreat. Half an hour later we were at the David Livingston Centre. We stopped and I took some photos of the monument there which I was going to use here- another day perhaps. As we left my wife spotted a squirrel.

She stopped the car and I took what I could from the window cursing my little camera with its shitty little zoom. Wishing I had a big telescoping effort reaching out of the car to bring the little furry thing crisp into view. I knew if I got out the squirrel would beat it up the nearest tree so I had to rely on the shitty little 5x zoom to get what I could- above. My knowledge of wildlife could fit on a postage stamp but I'm sure these little creatures don't let you get close. This squirrel didn't stick around long. Not a great pick but best I could do.

After the squirrel we picked the boy up from nursery which I have not done for a while and in all we were out an hour which is good and I hope to try to build on that. Getting out in the car means not sitting at home in my head. Getting out in any form is good for me. I need more of it balanced against the anxiety it inevitably causes.

Not a great photo. Its for a reason. One day this week I had a massive, and strange, urge. Its been on my mind for a while I think. Every time I see my ties in the drawers which were worn every work day for god knows how long. Shirt, tie, dress trousers and shoes. I was made redundant in July 2005 and all that stopped. Having been forced to dress that way for so long I refused to after except on special occasions. The last of those was a christening in June 2006. I haven't worn shoes since then and I don't think, to my knowledge, I current own a pair. Its just boots or trainers. Not only have I not worn a tie since that day but not a shirt either. No reason to. T-Shirts and jumpers. So today after a shower I decided rather than getting a T-shirt out of the drawer and a jumper because its bloody cold I would try the bottom drawer which I never go into. In there was a shirt I got for Christmas. Hasn't been touched, again no need to. I put it on. It felt strange. I also put a pair of trousers I had not worn for probably the same length of times- later on I found a tenner in the back pocket which was nice. It felt different. It felt unusual. The wife and then the kids when they came in from school looked startled and commented. Probably a one off. Just felt like a change.

Later that day out of the blue the inlaws came. They said they would stay for an hour and over 2 hours later they left which wiped me out. They took the girls with them which was very good of them. The schools were off for the latter half of the week and my wife and son went up there later in the week for a few days. Some peace during that time, I am thankful. And the girls will have a great time too having a big house to run about in and a big garden to play in as well as the other things their grandparents usually do for them. They are very lucky that way.

Lastly something of nothing, just a photo. Its always good when light follows dark. It creates great things. Things like a rainbow- not as prominent here as it was to the naked eye which is a frustration. The spectrum between light and dark too much for my little compact camera to handle- dynamic range. But as I said its always a pleasure when light follows dark. Me? I'm still waiting for the light as I descend further still into dark. I have felt ill at times this week- really ill. Cannot differentiate between proper illness and anxiety. Its most likely residual adrenaline from more panic but because the kids are not well at the moment my thinking sways me towards illness. Still I have been forcing myself out for walks with the boy and it was nice enough and I was better out than in except that I don't have the legs to stay out long. That is when we saw the rainbow. Nice it was too.

Panic mornings

2011-10-10T21:06:00.005+01:00

Week Fifthteen

Something to remember. Eight Fifty. I'm never out at that time. Well I did earlier in the year to do the drives to school but not for a walk. Not for a walk to school. But I did this week. I went with my family towards the school expecting to push myself to get a quarter of the way there at best and suffer for that a few hours after. But I got halfway and then that was more than enough. It was fine. I hope to do it more, maybe even push further. My wife had forgotten I was there. Its a start. It means little in the scheme of things. But something for me to remember. Something for the blog. An achievement. A pat of the back. I am trying.

But I only did that walk one time. Maybe next week. The day after that I went to my wife's work and had a fantastic big panic attack. Was going to provide a photo but there was nothing to see. And that is the things. There are times I want to talk about stuff but can't provide a photo to go with it. No one to capture me running away. Nothing really to see as its all internal. I had walked the long way down to her work with the boy, sat in the car (had my own keys), waited, waited some more, tried calling her, no answer and that was enough to make me panic. I actually contemplated scaling a wall with the boy at one point as it was the shortest route from A to B. I was halfway across the car park when she appeared. Not stopping I sent the boy in her direction and fled home on foot like an idiot. She of course got home before me.

Above is me bringing up the rear. Halfway down that path is a crossroads which you may be able to see. That is halfway. That is far as I have got. Note the way my wife is walking. Its not because she is a loon but because she started off the year with discomfort in her knee, got an operation off an NHS surgeon with a rusty saw and now is in constant pain with a limp to match. Bloody great. And they will do nothing about it, say they can do nothing. They feed her painkillers but are now wanting to give her pain management as an alternative. Bastards! Really. That is not right. She should see a lawyer I think.

Its not just panic that have curbed my walks but the weather. Don't get me wrong I love walking in the rain. Don't mind the wind too much. But when its rain, wind and freezing its no fun. Not weather for getting the wee unwaterproof camera out. Lots of spoiled photos and not much to take anyway. These guys are brave. Some strange notion of using a car for advertising. There was a car there before advertising something for a few weeks and then it was not there and in its place was a small area of smashed glass. Further along there was a trailer advertising re-used tyres or something for a while and then one day it was gone left with a blackened patch of burned grass. No doubt this one will end the same way. Why they have to use a vehicle to advertise is beyond me. Around here its just asking for trouble. Reminds me of Trotters Independent Traders. Their good intrigued me. That is a strange variety of clothing.

This photo? As I said its been generally cold, wet, windy and overall wild. I went out on such a day but made an arse of it. This is a close crop patched up with textures. I did want to take a photo of something holding on to a raindrop but just couldn't seem to get the focus- part paranoia and part shaking from tension. So this is the best I could do. Not good enough but something. Not at my best to boot. Still feeling the ripples from panic. Wish I could just flush this adrenaline out of my system and its creating so much tension too in the body. My upper back and neck are really stiff and sore. And on top of that continued releases are sapping to the point I'll be running on empty bumping my way through the day like a car driving on fumes.

Exposure

2011-10-03T13:17:00.005+01:00

Week Fourteen

There was a turn at the start of the week where the storm passed and left at least a day of sunny weather, a nice change. Forecasters predicted it was going to be a good week but it wasn't. But on the warmer day it meant more people out and about. I did a few walks. I wanted to see if I could repeat the walk I did the week before- halfway. As I said in my previous post at the moment I am back doing graduated exposure in a futile attempt to get the nursery. Its not actually to get to the destination. I don't see that happening so why beat myself up everything I fail to do it. If I did do it then great. But its more about getting me out and about.

I haven't managed to repeat it this week. I've broken the steps into 10. Halfway is obviously step 5. This is step 4 so close. Its a local monument. In all these years I still have not learned what it represents. Can't even think what. Anyone I ask doesn't know either. Its just there.

It is not very focused. Not sure why. Well I do. I try not to draw attention so around town I tend to take photos on the sly. They usually end up out of focus and rarely straight. It doesn't say much for composition either. Obviously the best shots were from behind it as I am shooting into the sun here. But that's OK. I like the sun on one side and its reflection hitting off a metal pole on the other side with the slightly silhouetted monument in between. Any thoughts of going to step 5 that day were crushed when I looked down to see the park was mobbed. Not for me. I trotted on back up the road.

Anxiety has been high this week. Maybe I am lucky to have had more occupation than usual. Just want to, in these periods, press the 'off' switch and get someone to turn it on when things have changed for the better. I can never find it though. I feel weighed down with it. Like swimming in tar. It a bugger for sure.

To distract myself, I suppose, I helped my wife rip apart the book case, get all the many books into bags and put them up the loft which killed a few hours. Not sure what we will do with the books. I have so many but I now also have a Kindle. Wish I could trade the paper for the digital. It means we have some space and the dinner table can come out from behind the sofa and as a result I don't need to move many things for dinner time. So the kids were happy getting to eat at the table which they will do from now on. Mostly we opt for the beanbag trays because its so much hassle to rearrange everything just to set a table. Now that is not a problem so that's a positive isn't it? And as it folds away it doesn't take up much room when it is not getting used.

This week I also had to take some photos of the roof so we could look at them later- front and back. The reason being is we have noticed a lot of moss on the roof that is not on the roof of others. There is also big patch in the guttering which we have noticed corresponds in location with the damp in the kids room so we'll have to get that cleared as it looks like the likely cause. The moss is evident. Probably worse than a looks. Don't have a ladder big enough to get up and not sure I want to if I'm honest. My dad has volunteered but its a bit unfair when he lives miles away and works usually 7 days a week. As it turns out this photo was better than anything else I had to offer this week even though that was not the purpose so here it is.

Waiting and watching

2011-09-26T15:18:00.005+01:00

Week Thirteen

For me graduated exposure doesn't do what it says on the tin. But I have also noticed although I make little progress when I have tried it in the past what little progress I did make disappears when I don't. So I started again 2 weeks ago and mapped a journey to the nursery in 10 stages. So far I had only managed stage 3 but this week I managed stage 5 without even thinking about it.

I got down there without too much trouble considering I have not been there for so long. It is about one third into a park yet two years ago I could walk the length of the park and this part was no problem at all on a regular basis. That is what I want to get back to. But it was a good achievement if you want to call it that. I managed to do half the journey. The full journey is something I have never done in foot.

There have been times in the past when I have got close but only very sporadically. If I can eventually get that close again I hope I can keep it up even if I never get there in the end. But I did panic. I panicked when I turned around to go home. My phone had gone off and I answered without looking to find my mum on the other side. I am not the best at phone calls as they agitate me. Suddenly I couldn't get any air and I couldn't get my mum off the phone as I walked back. Over 10 minutes later she was still on the phone but at least I was home. I did overdo it and won't do that for a while but its a point of note. No photo though unfortunately as between my mum on the phone, the panic and a lack of anything there to snap I got nothing.

The week has been reminiscent of two weeks ago, the last time my wife was on day shift. Home alone. All OK and then suddenly feeling ill. Coming on strong, ebbing away and then another crash. Jittery, feeling like I was going to throw up, weak, unrealness, etc. Again it was waves of panic. Again it caught me off guard and had me thinking I was ill and when I saw it for what it was it subsided but that was after a couple of days and I fear I might be premature with that particular prediction. That aside I didn't want it to hold me back regardless of how hellish I felt.

In this image when it was nearing time for my wife to finish work I made a couple of cuppas after making and feeding the boy his lunch then we both went over to her work. I waited outside with the boy who was eager to run in to see his mummy. Sometimes my wife is delayed and it can be anywhere from a couple of minutes to twenty minutes or more. Although I was right outside I stayed there. Going over the threshold would mean no escape and having to wait it out even though I managed it outside- such is the logic. At least I had an escape route if I needed it. So this is where the above was taken, outside waiting. I seem to do a lot of waiting.

Only here. Lots of guys walking about with devil dogs. All types straining at lead. My parents, sister and her kids visited. They said they would arrive after two. A morning of apprehension building to panic. They arrived after three. They said they would only stay a couple of hours as they knew how I felt. They stayed nearly four hours which in my book is two couples. I got through it which was something but it totally drained me and I was shattered for the rest of that night.

Getting back to the photo. You see some strange things around my little town. Nothing amazes me really. Idle chit chat with my family. Then my sister standing at the window declared: there's a guy with a sparrow hawk. I wasn't surprised as I said. As far as nature goes I am an ignoramus. I don't know if its a sparrow hawk, don't even know if its a hawk. Some sort of bird of prey. But what I saw was a guy walking nonchalantly down the street with a mobile phone in one hand pressed to his ear and on the other arm a bird attached. Something out of a comedy sketch maybe? No, the bird was very much alive. Lots of oddities around here but that is one of the strangest yet. Its not a great photo above as it took me time to get my camera but you get the idea.

Nothing much else to tell of the week. Just a fun photo to end. The kids had a big old bubble bath and wanted me to take photos. Here is one of them.

Hurricane bawbag

2011-09-19T14:43:00.005+01:00

Week Twelve

The boy and I were nearly blown away at the start of the week out walk. A storm has arrived off the back of hurricane Katia. Online in places like Twitter and Facebook Scots started to call it "Hurricane Bawbag". I won't explain what that means as its a bit rude but I am sure you guessed that. I wish they hadn't. A national newspaper picked up on that, the one my wife buys. I refuse to read it as its full of mince and social networking sites seems to be their primary source of information. Like a child sniggering to himself as he looked up dirty words in a dictionary or when we as kids at school with calculators realised with great delight that typing in 80085 looked like 'BOOBS' they couldn't help themselves. Every day I was in the kitchen there was another headline referring to the hurricane. Tiresome and about their level.

Back to the hurricane. The boy and I couldn't even walk up our own street. So it wasn't a long walk. Here you can see a tree almost bent over by the wind. The boy was crying the whole time, didn't like it one bit. So apart from the pressure barriers of walking too far it was not right to keep the boy out. Can't remember winds like this.

Its broken off now but god it was strong. Anxiety on the whole has been OK, manageable. I did have a bad bout of breathlessness which alarmed me as it always does but it has passed. I actually went out when the storm was at its worse to try to prove to myself there was nothing to worry about. Apart from that not much to say. Hopefully better to come as the week goes on. I really must try harder. Not much light was a bit out of focus. Very cloudy and a bit dark as a result.

Another bug photo. Less unattractive, if that is a phrase, than the fly but not by much and not something you want to look at over breakfast. A couldn't bring myself to say it was attractive. Again like said photo its a need to get a variety of photos and some on the outside rather than always indoors but still within this tiny radius. On a sunny day however. Able to get out for a walk about and look for bugs of the mini variety rather than the ones that lurk in hooded tops around this area. The boy was patient. A lift in weather helps lift the spirit.

No idea what this little critter is. Something in the back of my mind says green shield beetle but not sure. Never was any good with identifying things of a leggy kind or any other kind that is not inanimate. Just a reminder to myself that I was out and about. My wife is good at that sort of thing- knowing the names of creatures and things. I always go to her for plants, fauna and animals when I need an identification. I've known a lot of people like that. I had a mate who didn't seem very clued up, liked a fight but knew everything there seemed to know about birds. Always found that kind of thing fascinating.

Earlier in the week I took my son for a walk despite the change in the weather. A good old wet and windy Scottish day cold to the bone. Not surprised to see a load of clothes dumped on the pavement not far from our front door. People just don't care. They have no pride at all. They just dump where they feel like dumping. They piss on churches in broad daylight while kids are going to school and kids walk about at lunchtime throwing their unwanted food cartons to the side while the gulls hover and swoop. No pride at all. Someone no doubt has been found out and kicked out. Not the first time I have seen that around here. But it will be left until kids kick it in bushes out of view or into someone's garden who then decides to bin it. God I hate this place.

Friends and family

2011-09-12T12:07:00.004+01:00

Week Eleven

On a lazy Sunday indoors. Weather too crap to venture out so a day of rest to gather back some energy- if only we could syphon it from the kids. The oldest to her credit got creative. She made herself a friend and then wanted me to take a photo of it with her and her siblings. They have a thing about being naked which obviously I don't want photographed- they are just kids. The boy agreed to cover up but his sister didn't so she was left out the photo. I had to shoot this blindly on tiptoes pointing down at the floor. Looks like a right little character. She is inventive that way. A child's imagination- wish I could syphon that too.

Being indoors its very grainy. I had to take the shot on automatic due to the way I was having to take it. Could have done with one of those flip out screens a lot of new cameras have. That would have been simple. Here I just had to take a number of snaps and hope one of them had everything in frame regardless of the composition.

On the anxiety side of things I have had a return of a really annoying things which is panic cycles. It masquerades as illness, feels like illness. I was sue it was illness until I seen it was coming in cycles and then examining further saw that it was in fact adrenaline. No idea what sets it off but its not nice. Its like rough seas. Kept hitting a peak of panic and then it would ease and then it would peak again and so on. Just kept going but eventually went. I just wish I knew what the catalyst was for some of these things then at least I could try to prevent them because when they start they are very hard to get out of. It gets confusing in there.

When it comes to homework time I'm the "Go to" man. How that came to be I don't know but I am. Probably the wife decided I do little as it is so there is a chore for you to do. And like everything else it causes me the biggest bloody angst. Not sure why. Its better with the youngest girl but the oldest is a nightmare. She is a stubborn one that- I wonder where she gets it?. She will sit for 10 minutes getting sums wrong and I will tell her how to do it and she argues and my blood eventually, though it doesn't take too long, boils at the challenge.

The photo above is of homework time. As I said usually homework is solely my domain but my wife has started taking the oldest daughter's reading on a Monday which is a big help as I deal with her sister's reading at the same time. I thought it made a good pic with the cat in the frame too. Well better than anything else I had to offer in its place.

Anyway this one is one is actually two blended images. All bar the helicopter is the original but because of perspective it was a dot in the original. Luckily I also took a zoom shot of it so I added the zoomed to this image in place of the dot. Helicopters are forever flying over my sky. No idea what kind this one is. Usually they are police ones looking for someone and spending hours circling or hovering with the search light on if the time of day requires it. This one though was just passing by.

Nothing great about it except its something different and trying to vary these photos as much as I possibly can. It was actually taken from the passenger seat of the car after we had parked outside the home after a drive. Looking at it the helicopter is probably closer in the photo than it was at the time but more like my eyes saw than the original photo.

In focus

2011-09-05T15:26:00.006+01:00

Week Ten

A fly. I hate those little disease ridden things. Not what I would like to look at, apologies in advance. It was though the only bloody small creature I got in focus such are the problems I seem to have with the autofocus on my little compact camera like I said yesterday. The macro does work but it takes a lot of mucking about and luck to get it in focus. If something is moving even slowly then its a bugger to get.

Still patience was never my thing so maybe I need a bit more of that. I personally don't think practice will make any difference as its a bit of a lottery. And self consciousness doesn't help. Crouched with a camera as cars full of peering eyes, in my head at least, drive by doesn't do much for my paranoid android instincts to flee or look inconspicuous- I blame the local rozzers for that- twats.

But I wanted to try to move outside and looked about for something that someone hadn't dumped, wasn't a shopping trolley or a broken bottle of alcohol and this is all I could find in focus. Many other better looking living things out of focus mind you. Maybe I am doing it wrong. I'm not one for reading a manual.

A lot of anxiety this week, no more than usual. No panic which is good except for the fleeting instances of it quickly stubbed out. Some other irritations of a varying variety. Like yesterday when I woke with a really sore eye. No idea why. Don't know the cause. But it hurt all day long like it was straining and about to burst. Very uncomfortable. That's a new one but there are so many of those accumulated over time. At least as I write this post the day after it has gone as quick as it came. But like so many another day written off to worry over something in my endless rumination.

Definitely not a headliner shot but something to remind me of the week. A busy start. Not like me at all. Up and down the loft a few times after we had cleared out our one and only cupboard which was packed to the rafters. Above is us halfway through having lain everything out and then sorted through it into piles, or bags, of keeping, charity and dump. Feel like I should join the community and go toss all the rubbish we don't want up and down the street or in someone's garden. No one would care. Visually you wouldn't know if you looked around. Depressing really.

My body is not used to it but I'm sure given time I will shake it off. Muscles twanging having been dormant for so long and breathing struggling to get oxygen to them for the heavier than usual workload. Mind you I don't see it getting much time to right itself as I think my wife has more days like this planned for the coming week and beyond. But as shit as I felt before it the occupation did me good. Maybe I need more of it but maybe breaking in slower rather than like throwing someone who has been asleep into the middle of an ocean to swim home or drown. God that's a bit melodramatic.

For the first time in many months I was out in the car. After my wife had been shopping with the kids I was summoned so walked around and was relegated to the back seat for the journey home. But we didn't go straight home. This is where my wife really helps. She suggests and doesn't push but its enough for guilt of refusal to push me. So we were off on a small jaunt. Bothwell Bridge is a local landmark I have taken a photo of many times over the past few years. I've not used it here yet thankfully so will use it now because I've not seen it in a while. This was out of the back of a car. Its a photo to remind me of getting out in the car and hopefully more to follow.

The bridge is in my future plans for taking photos. I hope for a time when I don't have to take a photo from a car going past it at 60 mph. I'd like to do it from a stationary position. I'd like daytime shots in summer and night shots in winter when it is lit up. The latter I attempted once but not only was the shot atrocious but the journey was so panic filled I have no desire to repeat it any time soon. I could have had that shot in the bag had I known more about photography then as I tried to take a shot on automatic rather than with a long exposure as is required. Its on the list for the future among so many other things like a wildlife park, an old castle, a lake and other things further afield eventually. The dream would be the likes of the Falkirk Wheel or even further than that some landscape shots from up north. All in the future, I hope.

The world on fire

2011-08-29T14:58:00.004+01:00

Week Nine

Unlike most weeks I am actually happy with the results of this one. The image above I have posted only has a little processing. No Photoshop and no Lightroom. The only thing I have done is cropped it and increased 'Shadow' in Picasa to make the silhouettes blacker. It is virtually how it came out of the camera. And for that I am happy. Something kind of apocalyptic about it which is what I was looking for. The sun was setting which can make the sky look like it is burning but I wanted to add the silhouettes as if someone, or some people, were looking out at the world burning. And for me it worked considering I didn't have to fake it. Just the right time of night and ensure the focus was on the right part of the sky and bingo. I did take lots mind you but that is the best way if you want to find one that works for you- and why digital is good.

If you are wondering what was actually happening at the time my wife and kids were trying on different sunglasses to look at the sunset. Different tints in each one belonging to the kids. One set made it look blood red. And there they are at the window looking. I could of course have used one of the better packages to tidy things up and especially, my wife would be mortified, clean up the window condensation as a result of her boiling potatoes in the kitchen at the time but I like where I can to keep as much out of the camera as I can unless I am doing something specific.

On the anxiety front a lot of what I call melancholy. Others would call it anxiety related depression- not the same as clinical depression. I don't like using the word 'depression' though. Not because there is anything wrong with it but because I don't want another worrying label and more than that it is not actually depression at all. At times I have been able to see through it when I sit calmly and observe. It still catches me out though even after seeing it for what it is more than once. It feels like its a great sadness, I feel jittery, the face muscles gets tight, the chin might feel a wobbly, the eyes feel like they are water balloons ready to burst, the is an ambiguous feeling I may burst into tears and a deep fear that I will have a complete breakdown. So it is little surprise when I do see through what I see is raw fear. My eyes are always dry and tired, as told by the optician a few years back, so do self lubricate. The jittery feeling is the anxiety. The tight face muscles is tension. The feeling is a ruse, its misinformation. The fear is what is actually creating the anxiety which is creating the physical sensations.

Looking back I see this is more like an emotional overload. I remember feeling the exact same way in my boss's office over a decade ago when he told me that a line workers job was more skilled than technican's job, my own as it happened, and that is why they were getting paid more. I had been there a couple of years when a woman on the line got her son a job and within a month he was getting paid more than me. Firstly I asked him why then were they putting me through college and not the line workers. And secondly I told him that I would then be looking for a new job. By the end of that week I was on more than any of them. But I digress. In that moment I was so consumed by anger that I struggled to keep it back and felt as much as I wanted to punch that smug face in that instance by pulling back I was going to burst into tears- through anger. Also I felt the fear after having a fit of uncontrollable hysterics recently at a comment I found funny on Facebook. Even my wife said she had not seen me laugh like that in a long time but I had to curb it through fear- fear that it was manic and unnatural, unsettling. And in the moments I see this then it all washes away and I am free of it. But the problem is holding on to that. I don't see it enough so its been troubling me this week.

For once a totally unmanipulated unprocessed pic just straightened and cropped. Not that it is hard to tell. Had to use a tripod, timer and long shutter such is the darkness in our little home even in the middle of the day. Its not there for its photographic or artistic qualities. Not something you would see hanging on someone's wall or in a gallery. No, its there as memento. Memento to my guilt.

At the start of the week my wife irons the kids uniforms. This week the boy's nursery uniform has hung on that cupboard door the whole time and will be there until Monday. A reminder every time I am in the hall passing of my inability to do even the most basic things as a parent and my son is missing out as a result. My guilt hangs in the hallway. He should be at nursery but with my wife at work during the day and my inability to take him he remains at home every second week.

Its the first full week back at school for the girls also. Already I can feel the tiredness accumulating. My wife keeps saying it will lift once the routine is established over the next few weeks but I know from the past that is not true, not nearly always the case. Tiredness accumulates. Mornings watching the boy has me in and out of dread. I try not to clock watch but invariably do. Its one of life's quirks that if you try not to think of something you do. And each time I look at the clock my mind automatically builds stories via calculations at links. For example I look and see 9:45. 45 minutes gone. One sixth of the way through. Do it again and that is a third. It drags by.

Nothing really and in comparison to others nothing at all but I try to get some understanding by explaining its not a holiday even if people don't believe that. I mean my wife for example says she would love to have the time alone I have. Its like life is one long party. Hey you don't have to work you lucky sod! You know the kind of thing. I have the time but its not quality time as I don't have the freedom to use it. Its full of black holes I spend most of the day trying not to be pulled into.

Not much in the way of photographic opportunities this week again like most. On a walk I went through a small park, Alton Towers (see previous post), I pass through a lot. The place is one big tip. People have no pride. And I assume that two toy smurfs lying on the ground abandoned looking almost new were once in the eyeline of that little child. Something quite sad about what they had become. Something that someone once desired enough to want to pay for now lying sodden near a puddle abandoned on a path- still with a smile on their face. Maybe even a well thought out and sought out present from a relative or friend just discarded. As I said sad but also a little disturbing because I have seen a pram to upended and it makes me wonder just what went on there?

Black smoke

2011-08-22T11:29:00.007+01:00

Week Eight

Black smoke, a new pope. Or is it white- I can never remember. Around here it means something is on fire out there. Lots of black smoke filling the sky. Went on for quite a while. Very hard to pinpoint exactly where it was. Could be a factory or could even be on the dual carriageway. Something big anyway given the amount of smoke that kept pumping. That aside nothing to report really. One of those weeks. Could moan about how anxious I have been but I've flogged that horse enough. An indication of life just passing without incident at the moment.

But I will say I am still very fatigued. In fact feeling totally rundown. My engine has spluttered to a halt and belching out black smoke like that image above- or like my car did one night coming home from work. Shattered. Flushed. Fatigued. Exhausted. Like the body has shutdown. Jittery. No energy. Breathless with the slightest movement. Shaky on my feet. All that kind of thing. Feel like I just want to crumple up into a ball and sleep for a few days. Just can't seem to get refreshed after resting and feel as tired after sleep as before. I don't think any amount of sleep will help. Its more to do with energy resources. Its like they are spent and I need to wait for more to arrive. And its a cycle. It affects the appetite and we all know food is what gives us energy. It creates worry over doing the lightest activities which adds tension and creates more tiredness. But at some point it will right itself. I have no idea why or the circumstances that create it but it always does. Just a slow grind waiting for it to happen.

But I should also say I don't have the monopoly on tiredness. My wife has been tired all week too and at times napping. That is something I should be doing but I find when I shut my eyes its like my mind is given free reign to whizz even faster. I lie with my eyes shut for a bit before agitation gets the better of me. I need a good few power naps I think. Just wish there was an on/off switch for the mind chatter to turn off when its time to nap.

Also worth noting that a lot of people, without anxiety, would say: its tiredness, deal with it. In some way true. A lot of the negativity is self talk stemming from the guilt of not being able to be active and also fear of making things worse with activity. Like if my wife called from the shops to say she had heavy bags and needed me to meet her. Anyone would feel selfish and be riddled with guilt if they refused. At the same time I am conflicted because I would fear, I would know, it was going to make me feel worse. Not for 5 or 10 minutes after but the rest of the day and even days after. It is why when I do push myself in this state I tend to leave it as late as I possibly can in the day so I have less time feeling shit after. All that said I would not refuse, couldn't refuse.

I know alot of people push through tiredness. I've done it myself in the past. This is different though. Anxiety related fatigue is different from usual tiredness. If you go to the gym and come home sore you can take some gratification in that and it feels good to stretch out or soak in a hot soapy bath. If however you have done very little but fret and find your muscles are really sore and stretching them brings only more pain then there is no gratification. If you find yourself so weak that you are shaky but expected to just push through it then its not so easy. If you sleep and wake up feeling the same its not much fun. As I said it feels more to do with lack of energy resources to the point of being jittery than from just being tired. Its what I would call an agitated tiredness. Pushing through it you can get things done but feel worse for it.

Anyway I just realised in the first paragraph I said I wouldn't moan and have just written a novella. Moving on...

Most of my few walks this week have been in the dark or close to it. Not sure if that is to do with going out later or it getting darker earlier or a combination of the two but it did get dark quite and here even though I went out earlier than usual there was still not much light. I also went without my little tripod which is always a mistake in low light. Also the reason for going out later is covered above.

There was not much scope for photo taking. So I sat on a wall, that broken one I am never near- oops, and tried to take some light trails from passing cars. Not as good as I had hoped because it was pretty quiet for that time of evening. Something or nothing, I posted something. Much better when its busier and to be honest from a better vantage point. Preferably high up looking down not side on. Too far too walk to a fly over. Well not too far to walk, too far to get back from when I have to escape.

Its always the escape more than the destination that is the forefront of my mind. If I only had to get from A to B I could. Its the getting from A to B and back to A again that is the problem. 'A' being the Agoraphobia, the need to run home.

Lastly a weird one. A bit of fun for a change. Lighten the mood of a dark post. Blow away that black smoke. The girls were mucking about with the younger one doing a mad dance. Not as mad as the photo turned out. A well freaky image. For some reason in between getting their dinner and their bath and then the thereafter they get totally hyper. My wife has always insisted they get bathed every night which I don't see the point in. Part of it is hygiene related but she used to insist it was to tire them out but the evidence would strongly suggest it has the opposite effect. So while they were mucking about wanting their picture taken I tried to experiment a bit. Set a few on longer exposure. What I was looking for was a kind of ghost effect but the result was a lot more weirder than haunting.

Wet Season

2011-08-15T09:11:00.006+01:00

Week Seven

Feeling so shitty at the moment and not sure why. Change in weather maybe. Very cold indoors, very wet outdoors. Lessening daylight hours and of those few are bright. Lack of rays possibly. Or just the lack of light to shine upon leaving the mood dark. Whatever it is its crawled in when the sun went away.

So fatigued and although I am getting longer sleeps at the moment it doesn't seem to replenish the energy any quicker. Can't remember the last time I woke up feeling refreshed. That might be down to age as much as anything else. We all know how it is. In our heads we are still teenagers. I think I over catastrophise a lot of physical things in that way. Like a few weeks ago in the post about the old folks. I see them through a child's eyes. I forget my own lack of activity in comparison to them. I forget that they are not many as many decades older as through my eyes. I forget I am getting on in years which means I cannot run about like I used to when I also have not run for a long time. Its not self denial, its just absent mindedness in regards to the aging process. Even looking at my skin or blemishes I forget that its not uncommon given that I am fast approaching my 40s.

I couldn't be bothered going out but I forced myself out. Better to at least make the effort lest the guilt set in. This photo is rubbish, I know. But that is the thing, I will post crap photos sometimes for illustrative purposes, or maybe more often than not- its subjective of course. Well not this one- its crap, end of story. The weather has changed and maybe my mood and drive with it as I said. I like the rain but electronic things don't. That is why if nothing else if I can get out because I'm worried about my wee camera. Like me its getting on a bit and not waterproof and should something happen to it through my own stupidity then no more photos for me and no more photos for my family. So have to be careful.

The reason this one is so poor is it was the only sheltered spot I could find to try to illustrate the change in weather. It is though also proof to myself that I was out as it would have been easier and better to take a shot from indoors to the outside. A puddle if nothing else.

Just the two photos this week because there really isn't much else to show- even for illustrative purposes. I took enough but they were all either very poor or very drab or just totally uninteresting. I was up the loft a few times this weeks and have photos of a barren messy little area which are no good to man or beast. Some outdoors which are blurry from the poor light of a cloudy day or rain spattered when I decided to take a risk. Others too. Nothing worth posting though.

On the other side of things lots of tension and anxiety and subsequently tiredness. Not helped by the boy being in bed with us most of the night a few nights this week kicking off covers and taking up 90% of the bed. I always have tension in my body when he sleeps there probably, which to be honest is a rarity, because my wife and I are like bookends teetering on either edge while he sprawls out. Not that it happens often. Above was taken on one of the few walks. A break in the rain. Here is an area I refer to as Alton Towers. Its renovated and landscaped now but there was a time when it had swing railings with no swings, monkey bars and a ground full of broken glass. I'd taken one of the kids up there for a play but there was no playing. A sarcastic name I used because my wife had told me to take the child up there one day. Well that is what I thought. Turns out where she meant, a stone's through away, there is a perfectly good play park I didn't know about. It was then. Now its vandalised and everything broken which is typical of around here.

Watching

2011-08-08T11:00:00.005+01:00

Week Six

The weather hasn't been great this week- that didn't last long, as usual. Time to put on the thermal underwear and brace ourselves for 9 months of winter. Not been walking that much either. So was struggling for some images to post. Well from the outside world anyway. But I managed to scramble three images together. The first above is of the kids watching TV. Not a good photo but more symbolic of the change from playing outdoors to staying in. As always they sit as close as they can get.

A guy is coming soon to put the TV on the wall. I wouldn't trust myself to do it as I'd probably get up one morning and find it face down on the floor with a great gaping hole in the wall. Besides that I don't have a drill. My dad wanted to do it but thoughts of an array of 9 inch nails protruding out the side of the flat made me dissuade him. The reason for putting it up on the wall is more for peace of mind as they run about so much I am just waiting for the TV to go crashing over. Also it will mean that unlike this image here they cannot sit so close to it. They seem to get closer and closer.

My wife asked me to take some photos of her as she needed a new profile pic for Facebook. I didn't need asking twice. So I took a few which is restricted in this place as there is not a lot of room and even less natural light. Got roughly what I wanted. After selecting about 6 I processed them in different ways. This one was my favourite of the lot but my wife chose another one. I was actually quite happy with this one mainly because its decent for a compact camera and I think few would guess my wife was sitting on the back of a couch propped against an orange wall in a living room.

Lastly my big ugly mug all unshaven and messy. An indication of procrastination. The reason my wife is harping in my ear all the time and my stubborn streak refuses to budge even though my face is damn itchy. I've always been like that. Its not an endearing quality. I will shave but only when I feel its my choice to do so- sooner the better. Deep down its about control. Control being my own free will rather than someone thinking they can direct me. Stubborn bugger.

I don't mind getting my photo taken as long as I don't have to look at it. A lot of people are like that. A lot of people just see all their faults. Others though don't. Some people can't stop looking at themselves. Nothing wrong with that. If you have the confidence why not? And its not just beautiful people. I admire people who are not so beautiful but don't care. They are happy not to conform. If I had the choice to be beautiful but self-conscious or a non-conformist ugger I'd choose the latter because beauty does not guarantee you will be happy with your appearance, even some beautiful people hate the way they look.

Contentment is a great thing. Just wish I could find it. For the moment I don't really want to post pics of myself here but for once I'll make an exception because this was taken by my oldest daughter who takes a lot of good photos regardless of the subject matter. And on another note I don't want to be posting photos not taken by me either. But again I make the exception. Well mainly because its been a quiet week.

Breathing

2011-08-01T20:32:00.006+01:00

Week Five

This old guy walks circuits up and down this path numerous times at different times in the day. No idea why he does circuits and not a long walk. I do circuits because I am agoraphobic. Is he agoraphobic or is there a medical need for him to be close to home? I'll never know. Too shy and paranoid to ask. Puts me to shame though. Walks at least 4 times what I do. Surely my body is no weaker than his? Must be in the mind. Everything is in the mind. Even watching all three kids is a problem all week long. Hard going. Taking them for short walks is tough going. Not physically demanding so it must me all mental. I see the walker, I admire the walker and maybe in someway I wish to be the walker or see some future self in him.

I see a lot of old people about there, well it is an old folks home. And the shopping centre is close at hand- though not for me at the same distance. Some of them move at a snails pace or shuffle with a zimmer but they get there and back. Yes it has to be mental. Surely I am not physically in a worse state. Surely not.

The mind is a strange thing and can be a very powerful thing. It can even overpower your own will. I learned this through observing my wife and its something that should have helped me come to terms with one aspect of anxiety and panic but for some reason didn't. My panic is not like most's from what I can tell. Not the majority of the time. I have had panic where I have felt well out of my depth and get the classic panic attack with the rapid pounding heart and hyperventilating. Most of the time though its not like that for me. This in itself makes me wonder if that is why I am having so much trouble getting on top of it. Mainly with my own panic its shaking, restricted breathing and this horrible feeling of despair. I am not aware of any difference in my heart and my breathing is definitely not rapid. But they are panic symptoms and I sometimes get all the others like jelly legs, unreality, etc.

The breathing though bothers me. And this is where observing my wife should help. I had convinced myself it was physical rather than mental that I could not get a breath. Some self help say its extreme tension in the chest from panic giving the illusion you are not getting a breath. I beg to differ. I feel like I am holding my breath but no matter how much I consciously try to let go it is not my decision. So could that me mental? Well my wife does this too in a certain situation. If there is something on TV and someone is drowning she does it and can't stop until it stops or the channel is changed. She has also been known to do it if on TV someone catches a fish and drops it on the ground with it thrashing about gasping for air. No matter how much she tries she cannot stop holding her breath. I see the panic in her face- STOP IT! So with me I figure its the same thing but with fear, maybe, as the catalyst rather than seeing suffocation. Like anyone who gets scared and takes an intake of air but then I can't seem to stop.

God what a happy start to the post.

On one of my walks I noticed this wall has been broken down by little shitty vandals. This wall physically has nothing to do with us but contractually its part of a compound we are liable for. It pisses me off because the only people who use is are the public sitting waiting on a bus or passers-by walking over it but I'll bet our factor sends all of us a bill for its repair. And it won't be cheap. Its bad enough trying to find the money for the things we do need without looking for money for things that really have nothing to do with us.

I hate the idea of factors- people who you have to pay as part of the mortgage agreement to look after your premises. Its all backhanders. It took us a few years to actually look at the bill and realise the £20 float we were paying each month was for them to pay for bills in advance and a phone call to realise that we didn't have to pay it but what we did pay would be returned when we sell the home according to their records. The bulk of a bill is that and their management fee. One of the neighbours, a single mother, is constantly at court with them for refusing to pay. She cited the gardener as an example who is charging over £1000 a quarter and in her words: "F*ck I could cut ma grass in half an oor with with a pair a scissors". And she is right. There are two buildings. We are a block of six. The other is a block of eight. That wall above is theirs. They have the big pathway, all the grass, the wall and also three of eight flats are owned by the factor. So basically we are subsidising them who let their flats out to the jobless at extortionate rates because they don't pay it, the council does. So they can charge what they like and cream a little bit on top with the obligated mortgage holders.

My wife has made some mistakes in her life- hey, watch it! But this little shithole is by far and away her biggest. For years I wanted to move back up north and she kept dragging her heels. I gave a flat up to be down here stupidly. A catalogue of errors. To be honest I think we are that kind of people.

A good few hot days. Hottest its been I think. We all sat out for a good bit on one day and stupid sod that I am I never put on any sun cream. After coming in my face was really tight and burning. I looked in the mirror to see it is burnt. That caused anxiety. But nothing I can do about it. Like so many of my errors I have to be pre-emptive not worry after when the damage is done. Still on the bright side it was good to get out. In life there is always balance and the stress of minding the kids in the morning is counter balanced with getting some fresh air and UV rays.

Alone in the holidays

2011-07-25T10:43:00.004+01:00

Week Four

Alone for most of this week which has been trying but the worst was the first 48 hours. Back doing my walks again with a vengence- by my own poor standards. Very close to a mile on one walk. Only once in the past 5 years have I managed more than that. Not straying far though but still something. But I am paying for it. Too much too soon. Feel blackness running through me from depleted resources. Small steps required, not large bounds into a brick wall. It never works. It feels good at the time but for days at least after everything is too hard. A bit like someone coming out of a coma and trying to go for a long walk. Too out of condition to go striding off into the distance however much I would like to.

In my state its difficult to keep the sensible head on. Not just with walking but with anxiety too. There is an inner eagerness not just to get better but get better as quick as possible. Its seeing the top of the mountain and trying to sprint up the cliff face. All you do is keep falling back again. Much better to take the time to do it right and monitor progress all the way. But its hard to curb that enthusiam. So keen to get better its difficult not to start running towards it when a chink of hope appears.

Pushing doesn't work. Without doubt my biggest problem in trying to overcome agoraphobia is impatience. I got down to a path I've not been on for a while- not since being stopped by the police one day. Yet in a previous time not too long ago I got down it to a bridge you can just about see in the image above and under the bridge to a clearing where I could hear the water and then one day I got down to the water itself sliding down to the embankment through a thick forest of trees. It felt fantastic to be down there and finally make. That was until I turned around and could see nothing but trees and knowing the path was somewhere up there. That was when I ran in blind panic home- well not ran really. Hyperventilated with my heart banging in my ear at as fast a walking pace as I could muster.

The kids have been away on holiday so it was good to see them again when they came back- though I was without a camera for all this time so apologise for the images in advance as it could not be helped. I didn't take the photo for the sake of it though. To my shame I was so locked in on myself that I forgot my mum's birthday- her 60th as well. Well not totally. We did go halves with my sister to pay for a show and a meal but I was supposed to send a card while my family were away and it went right out my mind. So when the family came back yesterday, the day after mum's birthday, and my wife asked if I had sent the card I quickly assembled the kids for a photo and got it put on a card through Moonpig which will arrive about 3 or 4 days too late but what can I do?

And something a bit different- a manufactured image. I was looking through a photography magazines and the oldest browsed along with me. She likes to see if there are any effects we can try out. So she was over the moon at creating a floating person effect- two separate photos blended. Not patient enough to wait until later in the week I was made to do it there in then so me, my daughter, a camera, a stool and a balloon went to work while the other two kids watched TV oblivious. It was a rush job though. I could have spent more time on but I didn't really have a lot of time so there you are. Although the younger girl is more locked into fantasy its the oldest who takes a real interest in creating fantasy photos. Her favourite of all time was one I did last year of her holding a bird. This one will do for now.

The road

2011-07-18T10:52:00.006+01:00

Week Three

Mostly reading this week. Now paperless thanks to the Kindle though the bookshelf and loft are not as yet. The only time I pickup something in paper form now is a magazine or self help book- way too many of those. This week the highlight has been "The Road" by Cormac McCarthy. It was made into a film but thankfully I haven't seen it yet and much prefer to read the book first. Lovely sad story as so many of his books are.

Weather a bit milder. Not as much of a chance to sit out but plenty of chances to get out otherwise so doing that while I can. Anxiety still quite low but as always a constant companions. Not many flare ups though. Just more long school holidays dragging by.

Its not just indoors I have been reading but out too. As I said there have been some opportunties to get out. Kids enjoying it nearly as much as I am. Here the boy is enjoying an ice lolly getting more down his arm and front than in his mouth. Made a right mess of processing this one in Lightroom. Too rushed, too lazy, must try harder.

Lastly for want of anything else to post here is "Wee Jimmy". My wife took the kids to the garage to pick up the car. They are going on holiday. They came back with this little critter- a gremlin named "Wee Jimmy"- and a tall tale of said Gremlin only moving when no-one was looking. I love stuff like that, this one told by the garage owner- big Jimmy (who is about 6 inches smaller than me). The kids totally bought into it. So we have Wee Jimmy for good now all locked up in his jar. I know how he feels.

Middle child

2011-07-11T11:33:00.004+01:00

Week Two

This week has been all about the middle child. Or should I say I have very little to say about myself except what I said last week. No change, all OK at the moment. But itts been her big week. With the school holidays in full swing though its been a long week of long days and were it not for being able to get out I would be crawling the walls- no lie. As much as I love my kids they are hard going. Not a minute seems to pass when they are not crying, arguing, fighting, shouting, grassing on one another or anything else to spark my increasingly short fuse. Yet for everyone else you would think butter wouldn't melt, angelic at times even.

It was her sixth birthday and as always she was spoiled by her family and relatives. If her older sister ever finds out about this blog she will not be happy as her birthday was last month and she will be angry that she never got the focal point. That alone would cause a fight. Maybe even bigger than who's turn it is to sit in the front of the car, open the door, get in the bath first, get out the bath last, etc.

Birthdays are hard for me. I have a hard time with visitors. Could be a social thing but I don't think so as the anxiety starts regardless of whether I love or loathe or am indifferent to the visitors. It just happens. Its a loop, never ending. So having so many people come and go had the panic levels at full tilt. A time I should be enjoying but that is the way it works. Then again maybe its the flat. With five of us plus visitors it can get quite claustrophobic. So much noise and frenzied running about and conversations loud to compensate and no elbow room or breathing space.

Lastly here she is with her cousins. Her pride and joy present was this sparkly dress. She played the part. My kids are never shy when it comes to being the centre of attention. They lap it up. Wish I could say the same for myself.

Getting out

2011-07-04T14:36:00.002+01:00

Week One

Ah well, here goes with the first week. Its all been about the good weather. What a difference it makes to my mood and thus my anxiety- in a positive way. Just being able to sit outside for seven hours makes the mind much more calm. Maybe even the rays of the sun play their part given the lack of them in this part of the world and so much less for the agoraphobic found mostly indoors. Also I think there is less ruminating outside as the tendancy for me is to externalise more and interact with the world around which I don't do indoors where it is mainly introspection.

Having my little compact camera in my pocket helps with that process by looking for opportunities to capture something or even just watching the world go by. One of the things I have noticed since taking an interest in photography is I observe a lot more when I am outside. Much more mindful even. A good thing.

Its not much of a garden, if a garden at all, we have but better than nothing. Sure its small and its exposed but at least its somewhere to go outside when the weather is this good. Some people don't even have that. But being so exposed is something I don't like. I grew up with bigger gardens and fences. Here there is a busy church across the road with a school club so people are in and out all the time right on top of us. And it seems to be a main thoroughfare around here with lots of people walking by on a good day.

I sometimes wonder if I would be better in a warmer climate rather than the mostly dark and cold of Scotland. But then again I wonder too much, that is my problem. At least for now I am wondering a lot less during the day and just soaking up the sun.

My wife bought the kids cheap waterpistols from the local supermarket which proved to be a hit- even with the adults. Wasn't long before other kids were creeping up and joining in. I got soaked. We all got soaked. It was good fun though. My only concerns were for my camera, my phone and my kindle- when I had it out. The downside being the kids it brought. Curious to see what was going on. Wanting to join in. One kid left to wonder, too young. Some pushy kids, some kids too forward. None abusive though. I guess boredom brought them our way but that is where I miss the fence.

Lastly the kids were at a party and got their face painted. Here the boy is made up to be some sort of villain. The girls had butterflies. I didn't have anything of course but the smile was a change from the usual frown.

Forever Anxious

2011-07-01T15:06:00.005+01:00

First, a brief recent(ish) history of myself. In February 2003 I was working as a database analyst I got married. Somewhere between there and June 2003 when our first child was born I got ill with a mystery virus. They never did find out what it was but I think at some point it eased and anxiety filled the void or at least toppled it for top spot- it might even still be somewhere underneath all this. By June 2005 I was having already anxiety problems but didn't know it was anxiety. Just generally nervous and starting to lack self confidence. By that time it had though escalated into situational panic which was OK, better than now. It meant at things like being in the shops or at a funeral or anywhere I felt hemmed in I would start to panic but by walking away from it or just getting through it until it was over the panic then subsided and I was fine. That month I was made redundant and haven't worked since. Anxiety and panic increased until a big panic at the end of 2006 which in the space of less than half an hour turned me into a housebound agoraphobic. But I'm not housebound anymore, nor am I really that much better if I am honest. But I get periods where I can branch out more and times when I am very much shut in.

A quick word first about this blog. I started it in 2007 with no idea about where I wanted to go with it. Maybe I didn't want to go anywhere. In essence it was a way to get things out, clear the mind. Up until that point I had been filling notebooks with thoughts and theories which can become a very introspective unhealthy process. I turned to blogging as a means of doing that publicly and possibly getting feedback from other like minded people. The thing with anxiety related problems is no one truly understands them unless they have been through them there self or are going through them. I whacked the blog a couple of times after losing interest and not liking what I was writing but the third time it ran from 2008-2011, longer than I anticipated. By then though I think it had run its course and needed a change which is what this fourth incarnation is.

The format of this blog is a weekly diary. Just a few paragraphs about my week and how things are progressing- or are not. An insight for anyone interest but has never experienced anxiety, panic or agoraphobia. A reflection of self for those who have- maybe. But I hope to chronicle a journey out in whatever manner. That is what I hope at least. I think I may even have hoped that last time. I would like this blog to have a beginning and end- happy end, please! And by that I don't mean recovery. What I mean is getting to a stage where I am able to accept the way I am and live my either alongside this or around it without the grief it gives me. A state of coming to terms with it after five years. Lots of years lost. I say five years but as I said my problems started before the birth of our first child and she is now eight years old. She can't remember me working. The kids know there is something wrong but not what. They know not to ask for me to take them anywhere and no if they are going anywhere I won't be coming along. So I must either find a way to change that or to live with it.

Lastly blog posts will be posted weekly, preferably a Monday but that will be subject to life and other things. My plan is to include one to three photographs with the posts. Hopefully the latter. I have an interest in photography. It started out as a means to capture the kids growing up but grew from there. Still very much an amateur. Only having a compact camera and being agoraphobic are restrictions that at the time of writing prevent me from learning more. So I will probably say a few words about any photographs I take too. These will taken from the week I am writing about and hopefully sometimes even be relevant. As such they might not always be that great but for illustrative purposes to the narrative- at other times the narrative may be written in relation to them. And probably more often than not there will be no relation at all.

Anyway, beginning to think I picked the wrong name for my blog. I chose it 4 years ago for some reason less than a year after becoming agoraphobic. Its turning out to be prophetic. Wish I had chose "Its just a phase I'm going through". Can't turn back time. Can't change the past but can change the future.